Our Deluxe 8:45 PM Edition

Dear Grive a Gripe:
I am writing about a simple matter with a simple question, yet I cannot determine what on earth the answer will be. When will the next time someone from GAG posts?I would sincerly appreciate your thoughts on this matter.
-Anonymous

Dear Anonymous.

Right now.

-GAG

In all seriousness though. We don't have many readers. We don't have many ideas. And believe it or not, we actually do more than just sit in the GAG drawing room. Sometimes we sit on park benches and stare at each other. It's quite interesting, actually.

Due to these reasons, we're thinking of quite possibly putting an end to this blog spot. This spot has not much left to blog about.

Silence is Golden...

Dear Give a Gripe,

"AUHGGG!! Our dog keeps shedding hair everywhere! What do you recommend for a hairless house?"
~Hair Ball

You know, Hair Ball, we debated long and hard on this and honestly, I just don't know where to start anymore. But I'll try. Because it's you, Hair Ball. Because it's you.

The main topic of our debate, dear reader, was unfortunately the best way to go about de-hairing one's house. And, we realized that, in essence, you really can't do much about it without effecting the problem at its source. That, of course, being the dog.

Now, we obviously can't just have you get rid of the dog, of course. But, what is one to do about a shedding dog, I wonder? As it so happens, I was de-linting my suit while pondering this today, and inspiration struck. I was using duct tape.

Not that I necessarily recommend duct-taping your dog... well, at all, but.... it's certainly the most humane way of going about things.

Sibling Submission.

Dear GAG,
Okay, this is a question for anyone working at GAG that has a younger sibling: What is the best way to control your younger brother/sister into respectful submission?

~The unsuccessful Sibling

Dear unsuccessful, (I note the irregular capitalization there, very nice), as you may have noticed, we here at GAG have been in a sort of sibling tizzy as of late. And as such I believe it is a perfect time to end it by answering your question. And I shall do so very simply.

Firstly, bribery never works. Save your money for kids your not related to.

Secondly, memorize the location, weight and throwing range of every brick, pole, baseball bat, hockey stick, and cylindrical object in the house.

Third. Don't, under any circumstance, let your parents know you've read this.


-Space

Dear unsuccessful,

In addition to the above advice: I think it's inherently impossible to control a younger sibling into respectful submission. They have to choose to do it...or at least pretend to when said parents are around.
However, I do believe it's a part of their make up to be as annoying as humanly possible and to drive you crazy(er) in the fastest way possible.
In view of that: First: Try ignoring them.
Second: Take some sort of self-defense class and learn how to use any said previously memorized location of possible weapons in said house.
Third: Secretly order a zapper, tranquilizer, long rope or super soaker (if above methods don't work).
Fourth: Use said weapon on said sibling or hire someone discreet to use said weapon on said sibling (so if your parents do find out, you can say you didn't exactly do it.)
Fifth: Try pleading insanity if your parents do find out.
Sixth: I second and repeat: Don't, under any circumstance, let your parents know you've read this.

~ Aranel

The fine print: GAG is not legally or otherwise responsible for any actions you may or may not choose to take in light of given advice. Also GAG's advice is not guaranteed to work. GAG's advice may contain peanuts.

Sibling Rivalries

Dear Give A Gripe,

A certain younger sibling of mine and I are having a little disagreement, and I'm wondering what your thoughts on the matter are. Which would be more intellectual, relatively speaking? Is it a spazzy, beetle-headed doofus with the intellect of a cantelopue, or a spazzy beetle-headed doofus with the intellect of a dung beetle? I hope you can help resolve our little spat (or possibly make it worse.)

-Agent J.

Dear Agent J,
I would have to say that since you've already established that in either scenario, said person (assuming this certain little sibling), is beetle-headed, then calling him (or her) a dung beetle would be rather redundant, and therefore, a very lame comeback. Since the giver of the lame comeback must've been the spazzy beetle-headed doofus with the intellect of a canteloupe, that means that the dung beetle is more intellectual, by calling his (or her) opponent, not only a bug, but a rather large fruit. Brilliant.
Hopefully this has settled the argument, and will prevent any further silly sibling rivalries between the two of you.

Nay! I must disagree, my illogically-minded little friend. It is indeed the cantaloupe that is more intellectual! Firstly, it should be pointed out that the melon we in America commonly refer to as cantaloupes are indeed a completely different species from the actual thing. The real cantaloupe is a rare European genera, rarely found on our borders. Now then, we can extrapolate solely from that firstly that since true genius is rare, and actual cantaloupe is rare, we can directly correspond the two and come to the conclusion that cantaloupe itself is true genius! Secondly, to prove its genius, it has led us all on to believe that this other melon was it all the time! Meanwhile, the actual melon itself is off vacationing in the British Isles somewhere! Genius, I say!

...

Tyler. You are invading my post. The worst part of it is, You are wrong. Allow me to rebut.

1) Just because something is rare doesn't mean it is intelligent. In fact, it proves the opposite. The fact that real canteloupe can't figure out how to keep itself alive means that it lacks the intelligence necessary for basic survival. From what I know, dung beetles are still at large
2) Any fruit with half a brain who would have the chance to go anywhere in the world would NOT choose the British Isles as a vacation spot.
3) You're a silly fruitcake. Of course your going to side with the melon as opposed to accepting common sense.

Now that Tyler stands corrected...

I do NOT stand corrected! Nor do I sit corrected, nor lie in a prone position remotely corrected! Firstly, my dear incoherent hexapedophile, I fear you have your brain stuck a bit too far behind your antennae for once. One, rarity does not in any way shape or form mean borderline extinction. For example, there is only one Lindsay Lohan in the world, but clearly she is not borderli-- okay, bad example. The truth, however, my dear psychopathic pill bug, is that they are merely in hiding. And the fact that no one would go to the British Isles on vacation is exactly why they are there! Added genius! Thirdly, a brain does not automatically mean intelligence! The dung beetle, while apparently gaining the advantage in having an actual mind, has a mind completely obsessed with poop! If you call that intelligence, my friend, I'm afraid we'll have to look more closely at your psychologically stability, instead. Fourth and lastly, you are an insignificant part of the food chain, a proprietor of dung-heaps, you have no sense of fashion and you smell.

...

We've been colleagues on this site for a while now. Working with you is what proved a brain does not mean intelligence. I may be an insignificant part of the food chain, but at least I use adverbs correctly (psychologically stability?) So dung beetles have poo on their mind. What does canteloupe have on its mind? Wait! CANTELOUPES DONT HAVE MINDS!! JUST LIKE YOUUU!!!!!!

And I do NOT smell! 0^0

Precisely cantaloupes don't have minds! That is what gives them their sheer brilliance! No mental stress to keep them down, keeping them in a constant state of blissful nirvana... can you do that? I think NOT! And I'll have you know that that brain-removal operation was a very risky government-funded operation!

Only you'd know! Mushy fruit head!

Hard-headed arthropod!

Cucumis melobrain!

Ye-- Yeah? Oh yeah?! OH YEAH?!?!?! Well... *sniff* okay! *sob* *Sob*

...

*Breaks down crying*

Oh...

Oh, this is awkward.

There there, Tyler, take this tissue. It's ok, you're not a fruitcake. Now you go sit over there and have some ice cream.

Well, getting back to you, Agent J, essentially, my main point is that it is simply not worth getting into such petty sibling rivalries. In fact, I don't even remember what you were arguing about. That's how silly it was. And I can guarantee we here at GAG would never engage or endorse such behaviour.

"Oh, Tyler, stop your blubbering and eat your ice cream."

-GAG.

Nail Cement

Dear Give a Gripe,

What is the best way to get nail polish to stay on your fingers without peeling off for a semi-long length of time?

~The painter

Dear Painter,
I would have to say the most effective method is to apply wet cement on top of your polish. You'll never 'deal with peel' again (though if you accidentally get the seed of a large tree in there you may run into some other problems...) You'll probably need to apply it with a shovel as opposed to a little brush, but it'll definitely get the results you seek.

Though it's hard to find wet cement in a variety of colors, you can buy a can of spray paint for about $8 more, ranging in colors from pastels to glow-in-the-dark to apply over the cement block (which is over the original polish which is over your nail.)

Though you won't be able to find buckets of wet cement in the makeup department of any store, you can always check the back of the store where it smells like playdough and you can tell that the store workers haven't shaved for a while...

So now you can have lovely colorful nails that will never peel....In fact, they won't ever come off unless you purchase a handy dandy jackhammer and chisel set for $330 more.

There you have it. For about $346, you can get colorful cement nails (and remover) and never worry about polish peeling again....

Or you could just reapply your nail polish when it starts to peel...for about $1.50

-GAG

Questions

Dear Give a Gripe,

WHY ARE PEOPLE ALWAYS SO RELUCTANT TO ANSWERE VERY SIMPLE QUESTIONS!?!?!?

~The Questioner

(Space bean and Hol were reluctant to answer this question, so Aranel did. We think she did a pretty good job too =) )

Dear Questioner,

We at Give a Gripe, after some thought and observation have come to the conclusion that the answer to your question, depends largely on who is asking the question (or the asker). For example if some big scary looking biker dude comes up to you and says, "Hey! What're you looking at?" or "What's your problem?" or some other such question, one would be reluctant to answer to save aforementioned one's neck. A person is likely to give them a weird look, look away, and other wise pretend not to have heard the question, for fear of answering the question in a anger provoking manner. That is of course unless you have suicidal tendencies, and also happen to like getting beat up.
However, if the asker is not such a fear provoking person, some reasons for not receiving an answer may be they think you're being sarcastic, think think you're joking, they think you know the answer already, or they very simply didn't hear you.

-G.A.G

"Heart of Gold"

Dear Give a Gripe,

What's with the saying "heart of gold"?

~ Wondering

Dear Wondering,

You know, I don't know what's up with that. It doesn't really make much sense, does it? After all gold is very hard...and cold. And somewhat shiny. So really, why would anyone really want to have a "heart of gold"? You'd think most people would want to have soft, beating hearts, instead of cold gold, rock hard ones...but I guess that's their preference.

~ Aranel

Carmen Sandiego

Dear Give a Gripe,

Where in the world is Carmen Sandiego?

Sincerely,
Moo




Dear reader,

I turn to Google Maps for the answer.

- Space

Yellow-Tail Wine - Uncovered

Dear Give a Gripe,

My older brother keeps telling me about how Yellow-Tail Wine is the only wine that comes from kangaroos. Is he telling the truth, or is he just pulling my leg?

Thanks,
Wine-less in Australia.



Well, Wineless, I have no idea what pulling your leg has to do with it, but your brother is absolutely correct.

Yellow-Tail wine, found only in remote regions in Australia is a signature Italian-Australian blend. Started by a small organization of around seven Italian women, they would corral the kangaroos into a large basin. Once they were all inside, the women would stand on the rim of the basin, start one of their many wine-stomping chants, and jump on them, simultaneously. The reason kangaroos are used is still a complete mystery, however today's top viticulturists have found that kangaroo meat, when crushed, juiced and distilled, gives off almost the exact same flavor of whiskey and soda, with twice the mental and physical effects. When mixed with such concoctions as Aunt Jemima's Jemimaphobia (an ingenious alcoholic beverage, known for killing cows at five paces), it not only yields such extraordinary colors as purple, but has been known to remedy such diseases as a fever, chicken pox, and early forms of malaria. Besides, how else do you think you would get red wine? Grapes? Bah.

Ooo-la-la-doo-la-la-dee-la-la-dum,
We make not ale nor whiskey nor rum,
'Tis wine we crush beneath our feet,
And no ordinary wine,
But kangaroos!
How neat!
Ooo-la-la-doo-la-la-dee-la-la-dum...

- Old Italian Wine Song (Rough English Translation)

As you can probably guess, however, this form of enjoyment didn't go over well with a lot of the environmentalist groups, much less the kangaroos. Sooner or later a few protests broke out, demonstrations and stuff. One such incident happened back in August of '84. An Italian tourist, just back from her extraordinary diving lessons with "Fabio," fully clad in Hawaiian t-shirt, Bermuda shorts, and American-brand flip-flops (her relatives said later that she was always big on dressing up like she was somewhere else, Apparently she wore the exact same outfit on their trip to Anchorage, Alaska), when suddenly a kangaroo activist leaped from the second-story window of "Vinnie's Barber Shop" and landed on her. Crushing the neck first, then the liver. After the police arrived, the only vestige left from the horrible accident was a bloody note saying "Don't knock the Kangaroos" signed with a paw-print. After that incident, Yellow-Tail Wine, Inc., the number one exporter of said delicacy slowly declined into bankruptcy, only to go back into business again after the whole Jessica Simpson "Is it tuna, or chicken?" controversy, when people decided, "Screw the chicken, we want kangaroo." And are now flourishing in downtown Sidney.

- Space

Unanswered Questions ANSWERED!

Over the past year, The Explainer has answered more than 200 questions, including why Satan smells like rotten eggs, and how many cell phones you can shove up your rear in one sitting (every pun intended) and has proved that our President is indeed, shrinking. But this is really only a small fraction of the emails received, so they've released a list of some of the still unanswered questions that've been sent to them over the year.

Now, while they still plan to answer some of these questions in the near future (be sure to watch for that) we here at Give a Gripe decided to try our hand at it ourselves. Do we seriously think we can do better than relatively trained professionals? Not really. It just looked like fun.

GO!

• What comes after 999 trillion?

7 Wajillion. A number so big that scientists had to make up a name and multiply it by seven just to calculate it.

• Why do train whistles at night always sound lonely and mournful? Not so in the daytime.

I believe this question can be better answered by the excellent novel "A Whistle for the Night" by Bartholomew J. Greg, an expert on the subject, but I'll try and explain it for you.

According to Mr. Greg, in all actuality what you are hearing isn't the same whistle at all, but a different one they use for night-time. You see, many train engineers are -as a night job- novelists of some sort, usually romantic or suspense. That is actually how Mr. Greg came upon the story. Apparently, so many romance and suspense novelists of the time had mentioned low, lonely, mournful-sounding train whistles at night, that the more ingenious train engineer/writers of the bunch (Including Mr. Greg, or so he tells at least) had invented for them, lower, lonelier-sounding whistles for which to blow at night, giving the whole effect of a lonely sounding whistle to inspire even more romance/suspense writers who may be listening. It's really quite a lovely tale, written in a sort of satirical history of the whistle itself. If you plan on picking it up, I would be GREATLY surprised if you could find it in mainstream stores these days. Your best bet would be to find it the only place I did (the story of how I'll leave out due to length), Artimus' Book Shop on 42nd street, New York. (291) 555-2634, ask for Arty, and ask him to check the back and see if he has any more of the "whistle book." It'll cost you around $15 plus S&H.

• Given the exchange and dispersion of matter, how likely is it/how often do we inhale/consume and/or incorporate into our own protein structure molecules that were once in some historical figure, say Abraham Lincoln?

After some brief calculator work, I would say that your odds are about 2 to the power of Five million, Five hundred and fifty-two thousand, three hundred and twenty-four. Which, oddly enough, is the phone number of an expert who may be able to help you more on the matter.

• Lasers are now powerful and small (at least I think they are), so why don't our troops carry laser guns?

This is actually an issue to again bring up with many a novelist. You see, if all of a sudden our troops starting actually using all the equipment they have now, all science-fiction books would suddenly, simultaneously, have to be changed to "non-fiction." Therefore screwing with a lot of libraries and book shops' sorting systems and making quite a lot of librarians/independent book store owners very unhappy, and thusly sending the United States government lots of angry -albeit well-written- letters.

• Why is smooth peanut butter cheaper than nutty?

Actual peanuts cost more.

• If we taught animals to talk, how would that affect the world?

Well, firstly, animals would be able to talk. That in and of itself is rather big, don't you?

• What would happen to the stock market if a meteor impacted the earth? What would happen to the global markets and the U.S. market? Say a meteor hits inside U.S. borders and takes out two states.

Well, that really all depends on which two states it hits. If it were to hit, say, California and Nevada, really not a lot would change for the worse. Meteorite replicas may go up in cost, however.

• Is it possible to collect all the cookie dough in Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough ice cream and actually bake cookies from it?

Having actually tried this, I can tell you from experience: NO. Just eat it and be satisfied.

• How clean is bar soap in a public bathroom? Is it "self-cleaning," since it's soap? It seems like a health hazard to me.

Firstly, tell me where the heck you found bar soap in a public restroom. Secondly, no, actually, it's not self-cleaning, so you're right. The best advice I can actually give to you is to remember to sneeze on it next time you're in there, and pray the management will get the hint eventually.

• Why did Zidane head-butt his opponent in the World Cup final? Do the French not fight with their fists?

Ummm... No.

• When we are approaching another person, like in a hallway, why do we step to our left? That is, try and pass right-shoulder-to-right-shoulder.

This (I kid you not) actually spawns from early first century. The people being mostly right-handed would pass each other, so that if one of the two was an enemy, they would each have their swords out on the right side in case of a duel, which, most likely, happened often. I believe that this is also how the street-sweeper/mortician got its start, but that's another story.

• I have been pondering this situation for as long as I can remember (maybe age 7-8) and it drives me nuts. It makes me feel like my head will implode if I think any harder. Is the universe infinite? It must end somewhere. But when it ends … there must be something on the other side … right?

Yes. We here at GAG believe bleu cheese and the Rolling Stones come from that region..p>

• If a group of passengers on a hijacked plane wanted to, could they bring a plane down by all of them using their cell phones at the same time?

Possibly. But it'd only 2 cell phones would be necessary. One for the pilot and one for the co- pilot. If you have two chatty teenage blondes driving your plane, that'd probably do the job just as well, hijacked or not.

• Why do humans die so young? In biblical times, people lived for several hundred years; now living to 100 is considered a long life. What happened?

God just can't wait that long to meet you.

• How can I tell if I was the first person to use the term "K-fed-up" in relation to Britney's divorce?

Just sue everybody else who uses it. Nobody will believe you, but it'll feel good.

• Why is the No. 8 always the same combination (tamale, enchilada, rice, beans) in any Mexican restaurant I visit? This includes primarily the southeast United States but not obvious franchises.

Good heavens, how many Mexican restaurants have you visited??

• Hi, how does nature make water? How does nature combine one oxygen atom and two hydrogen atoms to make water? If we knew how nature makes water, then perhaps we can then find an efficient way of separating hydrogen from oxygen, thus creating the ultimate source for energy.

I actually know the real answer to this. Prepare for your mind to be blown.
Oxygen has a valence of 6 electrons. The valence is the outer most and highest energy level orbit of electrons around the nucleus. The ideal valence for non-metals is 8 electrons, so how does Oxygen reach "Nirvana"? It bonds to two hydrogen atoms. Now Hydrogen has a valence of one electron. So when oxygen comes in contact with hydrogen, the atoms bond covalently with two in order to get it's 8 valence electrons. 6 + 1 + 1 = 8. And voila! The reaction yields water.

I love chemistry =D

• Why is grilled chicken tasting increasingly rubbery and odd?

Rubber chickens are organically grown and much less fatty. Don't have to do much to maintain 'em either....except keep them away from your dog....

• i need more money.....what business can i start that will not take a lot of time...i have internet access daily...........and i have saturday morning free before 12 noon to run around. i work from 7am to 9:30 pm..............

Growing organic rubber chickens is a booming business nowadays...

• Just suppose, one day someone wants to sell you an old gold bar. You don't know if it belongs to any treasure, and you can't find out if there is any reward for it, if it was a lost treasure. How would you go about melting it and selling it? The same would go for a gemstone about the size of a dinner plate. How would you go about selling it? If you're living in a country that is corrupt and you cannot trust the government, or anyone else, what can you do?

Gold bars can be used for more than just money, my friend. Have you ever considered throwing it through an untrustworthy government official's window? They'd probably thank you for it.

• Can you tell me how long it will take if you eat rat poison to see if it is going to affect you? Please e-mail me back. Because my niece ate some.

Oh don't worry. It takes a good 4 hours before the really serious symptoms even start to show up. So you have plenty of time to ask us some more questions or play a few games of spider solitaire before calling your local poison control...

• Hi. I just wanted to know if our eyeballs roll back when we are sleeping (or closed) or do they shake? Or …

Hi. My eyeballs have a tendency to sneak into my ears while I'm sleeping. I don't know what yours do...

• PYGMIES: How/when/where/still in existence/do we mate with them?

o_0...We here at Give a Gripe suggest you seek professional help on this one.

• Do dolphins actually save people? If so, why do they do this?

No. Dolphins don't save people. Jesus saves people.

Actually, dolphins have a strange habit of pushing objects toward shore, including haphazard humans flailing about in deep ocean water. If you ever find yourself flailing haphazardly in the water, however, you want to make sure that the fin is indeed, Flipper, and not Jaws.

• I have a sister that stresses the heck out of me. For example this one sister out of three knows that I am recovering from a serious car accident. I thank God for saving my life, and healing me each and every day. My question is can a person who complains and talks about the same complaining every day stress you completely out? About four days ago I had to tell this one sister (Annie) basically to get a life and stop bugging me with her problems and everybody else's. I reminded her that I am still in a neck brace and healing … I really need to know if a person can really stress you out with the same old thing over and over and over again. PLEASE ANSWER BACK ASAP.

That's horrible! Using a silly neck brace as an excuse to detach yourself from your family! You ought to be ashamed! I suggest you sit down with your sister and give her a good 2 hours for her to spill all her problems out for you to listen to. She's certainly earned it!

Oh...and get well soon...

• Why do we make a "lip-smacking" sound when kissing closed-mouth? We do make the sound; it doesn't happen on its own ...

Personally, I think it's the little man in the back of your head going kablooie.

• What's likely to happen to people, or what might they feel, when they're killed instantly?

Uhm, well, the die... and they'd probably feel... Oh, I dunno, death?

• Can a state in the United States split into two or more states? If so, how? I think Texas has a special provision for being able to divide into up to five states. But I am wondering about the others.

Actually, it's completely possible. It just takes a lot of hired-hands with jackhammers 'tis all.

• Hi. How did the horse in the movie about dreams make it to not only survive but to win again? Was this movie true?

Hi. Well, what happened was the horse in the movie was actually a unicorn, so even though it seemed like it 'died', it didn't, because unicorns are magical like that. And it won because it drank a whole bunch of rocket fuel that it found on the race track, and flew past Sandpaper and his villainous jockey...

And yes, this movie was true.

• Working in my yard yesterday, I killed a gnat in my ear canal, where it had flown. I couldn't remove the body as my finger was too fat. What happens to it now?

First of all, the best way to get gnats and other small flying insects out of your face openings is with a rifle. The blast will prevent the body from getting stuck...or if it doesn't, it'll be the last thing you're worried about...
I suggest the Atkins diet and piano lessons. That should get your fingers slim enough to get that little buggy out.

• What is the richest religion? Scientology has a lot of Hollywood stars and I think they actually make their members give money, but Catholicism is a very old religion with its own country. Also, Islam has a lot of members but I don't know about their money situation.

Boy are you off. Actual, scientific study (from scientologists, go figure) shows that Pastafarianism is in fact the richest religion in the universe, with the giant spaghetti monster cranking out more chocolate coins and beer mugs a day than the pope can make sermons about in a month.

• Is chicken considered meat?

Good heavens, no. Chickens come from eggs, therefore they are dairy.

• Hello ... Could you tell me if there's been any kind of medical discovery in the last 30 years besides DNA.

Yes. RNA. And.... Pasta.

• Are UFOs confirmed to be from other Alien Planets?

If UFOs were confirmed as anything they wouldn't be "unidentified" flying objects, now would they?

• How do you get to write articles for Slate. Do you have to go through a process?

Well, with Slate, you first have to order a specialized piece of paper and pen ($19.99 and $4.50 plus shipping and handling) and then you have to write them your question in wingdings. You have to put your social security number on the envelope, circle it and write "Steal my identity!" next to it.

For Give a Gripe, you just have to e-mail us with the e-mail button up yonder...

-Space Bean & Hol

These people just keep rambling on, like there's some point to the conversation, and they never shut up! I keep telling them to but nooooo...

Dear Give a Gripe,

I have a problem, and I wanna know what you think. Course it doesn't really matter what you think because I'm really kinda slow and everything people say goes in one ear and out the other, y'know one time at school the teacher called me a numbskull, and I really have to argue that point cos the doctor says that there are many nerve endings in the brain and I know this because my momma dropped me on my head when this guy in a store smacked her, turns out he was my REAL father, cos she cheated on my fake dad and thats when I was born, I've been in therapy since I was 7 for the trauma of not having a real dad to play ball with, cos I once played ball with my fake dad and it turns out he's really clumsy and threw the ball right at my head, there was so much blood I had to get stitches, but I did get a lollipop from the doctor, and I ate it and ate it and cos I was in too much pain to get up I didn't get out of bed to brush my teeth and I got a cavity, and the dentist had to pull my teeth, but he pulled the wrong one and now I have two fake teeth, sorta like I also have six fingers on my left hand, cos of that I'm always afraid Inigo will hunt me down and kill me cos of my fingers, and I'm not prepared to die, I almost died once, I followed the shiny light, and I followed it and followed it, I thought it was the neon lights that they put on the golden arches of McDonalds, but it wasn't, it was heaven, and not nearly as good cos they didn't put pickles on their burgers, cos I really really really like pickles, Moo was right that zucchini sucks cos if you've ever heard of zucchini pickles they suck, not liked I sucked on the lollipop that the doctor gave me, although that really sucked cos the dentist had to pull my teeth, but he pulled the wrong one and now I have two fake teeth, sorta like I also have six fingers on my left hand, cos of that I'm always afraid Inigo will hunt me down and kill me cos of my fingers, and I'm not prepared to die, I almost died once, I followed the shiny light, and I followed it and followed it, I thought it was the neon lights that they put on the golden arches of McDonalds, but it wasn't, it was heaven, and not nearly as good cos they didn't put pickles on their burgers, cos I really really really like pickles, Moo was right that zucchini sucks cos if you've ever heard of zucchini pickles they suck, not liked I sucked on the lollipop that the doctor gave me, although that really sucked cos the dentist...wait, I said that already, sometimes I feel like my brain is on french toast, or a goat, or a nun, did you know that nuns never get any...nevermind, thats not an area I should go into cos I'm likely to say something stupid, I do that a lot, or so people tell me, I try to make jokes but they end up like John Kerry's jokes, y'know he insults people and then rambles on and on, gosh, I DESPISE people who ranble on and on, especially politicians, like that Bob Dole, y'know Bob Dole says that he never had relations with that woman...no wait, that was Jesse Jackson, sorry, off topic, anyway where was I, oh yeah, Dole, so when I was a baby my momma never gave me fresh fruit, she always made me eat canned fruit, so the Bible says "U r wat U eat" and so my brain became canned fruit, and I moved to San Francisco to find a community of my peers, but I despise Rice-a-Roni so they kicked me out of there and I had to go to the Himalayas and I got married to a Yeti named Martha, we had a couple babies and I raised them till they were two, and then Martha told me that they weren't actually Yeti babies, but broken down old lawnmowers that she covered in polarbear fur, but she wanted to sell the furs to PETA [People for the Eating of Tasty Animals] and I called her stupid and she called me a poophead and I called her mean and she called me a big olf stainless steel butter knife, I actually used one of those once but it wouldn't cut my steak so I had to go back to the chainsaw to cut my food, which is wrong cos chainsaws are supposed to be used to cut up your ex-wife like OJ did, or at least he said he did but can you really believe him cos he wasnt even looking for her, except on the golf course, I went to a golf course once and my good buddy Hugh yelled FORE and I yelled FIVE and I didn't see his golf ball coming straight at me, he should have at least warned me it was coming, so I went home and put ice on it but when I put my tongue on the icepack it froze tight and I had to call an ambulance but I couldn't cos my mouth was stuck to the ice and it really hurt, so I ran outside and thats when I discovered I had no clothes on so the cops beat me down and put me in prison, they were nice enough to give me a meal though, but it was impossible to use that dinky plastic fork they gave me to cut through my mashed potatoes, so I threw it on the floor and they beat me up and I got in a coma so I had to go to the hospital and when the guard wasn't looking I tried to escape out the window and the janitor caught me when I fell on him but the thought I was suicidal so they took me to a shrink and the shrink wrapped my head in banana peels and string cheese...no wait, that was my psychic advisor, the shrink actually told me I ramble, WHAT, SAY IT AINT SO, WHY DOES HE THINK I RAMBLE, please please please I really need your help, why do they pick on people like me, HELPPPPPPPPP MEEEEEEEE!!!!!11one11oneelevent

yone1

Yours Affectionately,
Splunge Wizzlepants




Dear Mr. Wizzlepants,

First off, let me tell you that rambling is not, in any way, shape or form, a problem. Nor is it uncommon. I know plenty of people who ramble! Some, you give them even the slightest inkling you want to hear a story and they just ramble off the handle like nobody's business, it's almost as if they're not even listening to you, but they are, so you really have to be careful what you say around people like that because all of a sudden they'll be like, "What?" and then there's that big awkward silence until someone else starts rambling again. It's like they really don't even know how to shut up! It's incredible! I mean, I know plenty of people, who, no matter how many times you tell them to, never shut up. They just keep talking talking talking talk talk talk talk talk.... But not me, no, I know when to shut up. There was this one time, I was making waffles in my kitchen and I was talking about the weather to my Great-Aunt Susan, who really isn't all that great I guess but somehow she got the title and anyway I was talking to her about the weather and how the weather was really boring and I couldn't believe how some people got paid, to stand up, on Television, Channel 3 or something, and talk about how boring the weather is going to be that week. It's wasn't like they were ever right or anything, that's just how they were, and it was almost as if they wouldn't shut up! I wish I could get paid for that. Right now I'm working as a duck farmer in lower Michigan, which really, you know, isn't all that bad of a job. Free ducks for Christmas and everything. Anyway, where was I. Oh yeah, I was having this conversation and my Great-Aunt (who really wasn't soooooo great, but I'll get to that later) tells me that I ramble. I had no idea where it came from! Genetic, maybe? Must be. Great-Aunt Susan would always tell it like it is, that's how she got the title. You see, back in the olden days, right around the time the dinosaurs got out, my family had their annual barbecue, and they gave out awards, you know, things like "Most likely to drop out of college" and so and so. My Great-Aunt Susan got the award for the pig-wrasslin' competition, the prize of which, was the title "Great-Aunt." "But who'd want to wrassle (whatever that is) a pig?" I'd say, "That really doesn't sound all that great to me." And she'd box my ears and tell me to get back to my shrubbery studies. That really wasn't all that great, either, but shrubbers made a great living back then and I thought it was worth it. It wasn't, go figure, but least now I can tell you with great pride that I can make a topiary penguin in my sleep, and a leprechaun made out of dandelions with one eye open. I can't really remember why that's all great, either, come to think of it, but maybe I'll get around to it later. I was eating some horse radish earlier today, actually, and I was wondering why on earth they named it horse radish, does it contain horses? So much for being a vegetarian. Anyway, Christmas is coming up and I was really worrying about what to get my family for presents then I realized that they wouldn't really care, so I made them something, which I ate, then I told them about it and they just told me I rambled and that it wasn't genetic and I was just stupid so I can totally see where you're coming from with all this, but never despair because I found this really neat support group where they stuff cotton in their ears and just let you talk and talk and talk an talk and talk and talk all day without telling you to shut up or anything, well except maybe once or twice but that's only after their eyes turn red and they pull out their hair which might explain why so many psychologists are bald, but afterwards I was completely cured! Yup, one-hundred-percent totally, absolutely cured, completely. Yessirree, you won't see me rambling anymore, not a bit, you're lucky to have a conversation longer than a minute with me nowadays, I'm like Coolidge. He didn't ramble, did he? No, I doubt he did, Presidents really don't ramble except for that Dole guy, or Jay-Z, wasn't he President of something or other?

Anyway, in closing, rambling really isn't all that much of a problem. Next time you do it just talk into a rubber band or paper bag so you can listen to the echo of your own voice in case you have some good ideas tossed in there, eh? --Space Bean

Dear Splunge,

We at Give a Gripe are neither certified psychologists or life counselors. Therefore take our advice at your own risk. However, to tell you the truth you do ramble. A lot. Not that rambling is necessarily bad, but you don't seem to like it too much. So to help you with that, why don't you try counting to 10, or maybe 100 before you say something. It will help you think out what you are trying to say without having to ramble as much. And maybe you should visit a real counselor...instead of a shrink. And read the bible. And get some common sense. Other than that, I don't really know what other advice to give you. ~ Aranel

What's Up with Zucchini?

Dear Give a Gripe,

What's up with the Zucchini? Why must it look so much like the Cucumber?

Sincerely, Moo

Dear Moo,

You can find the answer to your question by parallelling it to the animal kingdom. Why does a king snake look so much like a coral snake? Why do zebras look so much like tigers? Why does Michael Jackson look like a white guy?

Camoflauge. Just as animals use camoflauge to prevent becoming prey, so do vegetables to prevent becoming pureed. (Play on words fully intended)

Zucchini is considered the bane of the vegetable kingdom. It's squishy, slimy and has a bitter aftertaste. It is so bad in fact, that I used to cry when forced to eat it. Because it hasn't been working this last week, I've come up with a better tactic to rid myself of the evil squash. I point behind my parents head and exclaim, "Look! A 3 headed monkey!" and then promptly scrape my zucchini onto my brothers plate.

Cucumber, on the contrary, is much more refreshing and goes quite well on salads. However, kids still don't like cucumber. Why? Because it reminds them of zucchini. I hated cucumber before I even got the chance to try it, and stayed away from it until curiousity got the best of me.

So you see that the reason for the similarity between zucchini and cucumber is just another survival tactic. Cucumber disguises itself as a nasty vegetable to prevent being eaten. Though seeing that cucumbers end up on dinner salads daily, one could argue that their method doesn't work very well....

But they don't need to know that...

~Hol

What's wrong with the circus?

A Letter from "A Circus Dreamer":

Dear Give a Gripe,

Today someone asked if I was in a circus. I told them no. But what if I had been? What's so bad a about being in a circus? I mean, come on, you get to do all kinds of cool stuff. You can explore the world, act silly and crazy, and no one would know better.
Hanging from the roof, flipping and twirling through the air, riding elephants, making people laugh. After all laughter is the best medicine, isn't it?
At least that's what I know of circuses.
Since I have never personally been in one, been to one or seen one, who am I to know? But still, the idea of being a circus is intriguing. You can play gypsy and travel the world over. Meet new people every day. Walk the tightropes. Act totally crazy without getting strange looks. Play with all types of trained animals. You get to play dress up everyday. And when people ask you why you've been all over the country (or world), you just give a pleasant smile and say "Yes, I'm in the circus. I'm the clown I do tricks and play with the lions and elephants...Wouldn't you love to be in one too?" Give a honk to your red clown nose, do a flip and twirl as you catch a trapeze and dance away.

Signed,
~ A Circus Dreamer

(Answer moved to post =D) - Hol

Dear Dreamer,

I do believe you just answered your own gripe. Congratulations, that makes our job a heck of a lot easier. As you may have noticed, we're no "Dear Abby." And one of my personal childhood dreams was always to traipse up and down the shoddy ground of an over-sized tent while wearing enough make-up to make Gene Simmons look normal, juggling around five of the nearest spherical objects I could find. Flaming, preferably. There is ABSOLUTELY nothing wrong with the circus. They are simply talented individuals whom most people (*cough*High-schoolers*cough*) can't seem to grasp the logic of.
The logic is this:

"Yes, hello, how-do-you-do. I know I look silly, that's the point. But I'm having more fun than you. And I'll be having even more when you realize just how much you paid to get in here."

Well, err, that's it more or less, anyhow.

- Space


Yes, laughter is the best medicine, but zinc lozenges take a quick second place.

As a side note to what Space Bean said, if you don't want people to ask you if you're in the circus, consider not wearing the rainbow colored afro and big shoes ;). However, we highly encourage you to join the circus and show the world that it's still in need of some genuine weirdos....