Sibling Rivalries

Dear Give A Gripe,

A certain younger sibling of mine and I are having a little disagreement, and I'm wondering what your thoughts on the matter are. Which would be more intellectual, relatively speaking? Is it a spazzy, beetle-headed doofus with the intellect of a cantelopue, or a spazzy beetle-headed doofus with the intellect of a dung beetle? I hope you can help resolve our little spat (or possibly make it worse.)

-Agent J.

Dear Agent J,
I would have to say that since you've already established that in either scenario, said person (assuming this certain little sibling), is beetle-headed, then calling him (or her) a dung beetle would be rather redundant, and therefore, a very lame comeback. Since the giver of the lame comeback must've been the spazzy beetle-headed doofus with the intellect of a canteloupe, that means that the dung beetle is more intellectual, by calling his (or her) opponent, not only a bug, but a rather large fruit. Brilliant.
Hopefully this has settled the argument, and will prevent any further silly sibling rivalries between the two of you.

Nay! I must disagree, my illogically-minded little friend. It is indeed the cantaloupe that is more intellectual! Firstly, it should be pointed out that the melon we in America commonly refer to as cantaloupes are indeed a completely different species from the actual thing. The real cantaloupe is a rare European genera, rarely found on our borders. Now then, we can extrapolate solely from that firstly that since true genius is rare, and actual cantaloupe is rare, we can directly correspond the two and come to the conclusion that cantaloupe itself is true genius! Secondly, to prove its genius, it has led us all on to believe that this other melon was it all the time! Meanwhile, the actual melon itself is off vacationing in the British Isles somewhere! Genius, I say!

...

Tyler. You are invading my post. The worst part of it is, You are wrong. Allow me to rebut.

1) Just because something is rare doesn't mean it is intelligent. In fact, it proves the opposite. The fact that real canteloupe can't figure out how to keep itself alive means that it lacks the intelligence necessary for basic survival. From what I know, dung beetles are still at large
2) Any fruit with half a brain who would have the chance to go anywhere in the world would NOT choose the British Isles as a vacation spot.
3) You're a silly fruitcake. Of course your going to side with the melon as opposed to accepting common sense.

Now that Tyler stands corrected...

I do NOT stand corrected! Nor do I sit corrected, nor lie in a prone position remotely corrected! Firstly, my dear incoherent hexapedophile, I fear you have your brain stuck a bit too far behind your antennae for once. One, rarity does not in any way shape or form mean borderline extinction. For example, there is only one Lindsay Lohan in the world, but clearly she is not borderli-- okay, bad example. The truth, however, my dear psychopathic pill bug, is that they are merely in hiding. And the fact that no one would go to the British Isles on vacation is exactly why they are there! Added genius! Thirdly, a brain does not automatically mean intelligence! The dung beetle, while apparently gaining the advantage in having an actual mind, has a mind completely obsessed with poop! If you call that intelligence, my friend, I'm afraid we'll have to look more closely at your psychologically stability, instead. Fourth and lastly, you are an insignificant part of the food chain, a proprietor of dung-heaps, you have no sense of fashion and you smell.

...

We've been colleagues on this site for a while now. Working with you is what proved a brain does not mean intelligence. I may be an insignificant part of the food chain, but at least I use adverbs correctly (psychologically stability?) So dung beetles have poo on their mind. What does canteloupe have on its mind? Wait! CANTELOUPES DONT HAVE MINDS!! JUST LIKE YOUUU!!!!!!

And I do NOT smell! 0^0

Precisely cantaloupes don't have minds! That is what gives them their sheer brilliance! No mental stress to keep them down, keeping them in a constant state of blissful nirvana... can you do that? I think NOT! And I'll have you know that that brain-removal operation was a very risky government-funded operation!

Only you'd know! Mushy fruit head!

Hard-headed arthropod!

Cucumis melobrain!

Ye-- Yeah? Oh yeah?! OH YEAH?!?!?! Well... *sniff* okay! *sob* *Sob*

...

*Breaks down crying*

Oh...

Oh, this is awkward.

There there, Tyler, take this tissue. It's ok, you're not a fruitcake. Now you go sit over there and have some ice cream.

Well, getting back to you, Agent J, essentially, my main point is that it is simply not worth getting into such petty sibling rivalries. In fact, I don't even remember what you were arguing about. That's how silly it was. And I can guarantee we here at GAG would never engage or endorse such behaviour.

"Oh, Tyler, stop your blubbering and eat your ice cream."

-GAG.