Over the past year, The Explainer has answered more than 200 questions, including why Satan smells like rotten eggs, and how many cell phones you can shove up your rear in one sitting (every pun intended) and has proved that our President is indeed, shrinking. But this is really only a small fraction of the emails received, so they've released a list of some of the still unanswered questions that've been sent to them over the year.
Now, while they still plan to answer some of these questions in the near future (be sure to watch for that) we here at Give a Gripe decided to try our hand at it ourselves. Do we seriously think we can do better than relatively trained professionals? Not really. It just looked like fun.
GO!
• What comes after 999 trillion?
7 Wajillion. A number so big that scientists had to make up a name and multiply it by seven just to calculate it.• Why do train whistles at night always sound lonely and mournful? Not so in the daytime.
I believe this question can be better answered by the excellent novel "A Whistle for the Night" by Bartholomew J. Greg, an expert on the subject, but I'll try and explain it for you.
According to Mr. Greg, in all actuality what you are hearing isn't the same whistle at all, but a different one they use for night-time. You see, many train engineers are -as a night job- novelists of some sort, usually romantic or suspense. That is actually how Mr. Greg came upon the story. Apparently, so many romance and suspense novelists of the time had mentioned low, lonely, mournful-sounding train whistles at night, that the more ingenious train engineer/writers of the bunch (Including Mr. Greg, or so he tells at least) had invented for them, lower, lonelier-sounding whistles for which to blow at night, giving the whole effect of a lonely sounding whistle to inspire even more romance/suspense writers who may be listening. It's really quite a lovely tale, written in a sort of satirical history of the whistle itself. If you plan on picking it up, I would be GREATLY surprised if you could find it in mainstream stores these days. Your best bet would be to find it the only place I did (the story of how I'll leave out due to length), Artimus' Book Shop on 42nd street, New York. (291) 555-2634, ask for Arty, and ask him to check the back and see if he has any more of the "whistle book." It'll cost you around $15 plus S&H.
• Given the exchange and dispersion of matter, how likely is it/how often do we inhale/consume and/or incorporate into our own protein structure molecules that were once in some historical figure, say Abraham Lincoln?
After some brief calculator work, I would say that your odds are about 2 to the power of Five million, Five hundred and fifty-two thousand, three hundred and twenty-four. Which, oddly enough, is the phone number of an expert who may be able to help you more on the matter.• Lasers are now powerful and small (at least I think they are), so why don't our troops carry laser guns?
This is actually an issue to again bring up with many a novelist. You see, if all of a sudden our troops starting actually using all the equipment they have now, all science-fiction books would suddenly, simultaneously, have to be changed to "non-fiction." Therefore screwing with a lot of libraries and book shops' sorting systems and making quite a lot of librarians/independent book store owners very unhappy, and thusly sending the United States government lots of angry -albeit well-written- letters.
• Why is smooth peanut butter cheaper than nutty?
Actual peanuts cost more.
• If we taught animals to talk, how would that affect the world?
Well, firstly, animals would be able to talk. That in and of itself is rather big, don't you?
• What would happen to the stock market if a meteor impacted the earth? What would happen to the global markets and the U.S. market? Say a meteor hits inside U.S. borders and takes out two states.
Well, that really all depends on which two states it hits. If it were to hit, say, California and Nevada, really not a lot would change for the worse. Meteorite replicas may go up in cost, however.
• Is it possible to collect all the cookie dough in Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough ice cream and actually bake cookies from it?
Having actually tried this, I can tell you from experience: NO. Just eat it and be satisfied.
• How clean is bar soap in a public bathroom? Is it "self-cleaning," since it's soap? It seems like a health hazard to me.
Firstly, tell me where the heck you found bar soap in a public restroom. Secondly, no, actually, it's not self-cleaning, so you're right. The best advice I can actually give to you is to remember to sneeze on it next time you're in there, and pray the management will get the hint eventually.
• Why did Zidane head-butt his opponent in the World Cup final? Do the French not fight with their fists?
Ummm... No.• When we are approaching another person, like in a hallway, why do we step to our left? That is, try and pass right-shoulder-to-right-shoulder.
This (I kid you not) actually spawns from early first century. The people being mostly right-handed would pass each other, so that if one of the two was an enemy, they would each have their swords out on the right side in case of a duel, which, most likely, happened often. I believe that this is also how the street-sweeper/mortician got its start, but that's another story.• I have been pondering this situation for as long as I can remember (maybe age 7-8) and it drives me nuts. It makes me feel like my head will implode if I think any harder. Is the universe infinite? It must end somewhere. But when it ends … there must be something on the other side … right?
Yes. We here at GAG believe bleu cheese and the Rolling Stones come from that region..p>
• If a group of passengers on a hijacked plane wanted to, could they bring a plane down by all of them using their cell phones at the same time?
Possibly. But it'd only 2 cell phones would be necessary. One for the pilot and one for the co- pilot. If you have two chatty teenage blondes driving your plane, that'd probably do the job just as well, hijacked or not.
• Why do humans die so young? In biblical times, people lived for several hundred years; now living to 100 is considered a long life. What happened?
God just can't wait that long to meet you.
• How can I tell if I was the first person to use the term "K-fed-up" in relation to Britney's divorce?
Just sue everybody else who uses it. Nobody will believe you, but it'll feel good.
• Why is the No. 8 always the same combination (tamale, enchilada, rice, beans) in any Mexican restaurant I visit? This includes primarily the southeast United States but not obvious franchises.
Good heavens, how many Mexican restaurants have you visited??
• Hi, how does nature make water? How does nature combine one oxygen atom and two hydrogen atoms to make water? If we knew how nature makes water, then perhaps we can then find an efficient way of separating hydrogen from oxygen, thus creating the ultimate source for energy.
I actually know the real answer to this. Prepare for your mind to be blown.
Oxygen has a valence of 6 electrons. The valence is the outer most and highest energy level orbit of electrons around the nucleus. The ideal valence for non-metals is 8 electrons, so how does Oxygen reach "Nirvana"? It bonds to two hydrogen atoms. Now Hydrogen has a valence of one electron. So when oxygen comes in contact with hydrogen, the atoms bond covalently with two in order to get it's 8 valence electrons. 6 + 1 + 1 = 8. And voila! The reaction yields water.
I love chemistry =D
• Why is grilled chicken tasting increasingly rubbery and odd?
Rubber chickens are organically grown and much less fatty. Don't have to do much to maintain 'em either....except keep them away from your dog....
• i need more money.....what business can i start that will not take a lot of time...i have internet access daily...........and i have saturday morning free before 12 noon to run around. i work from 7am to 9:30 pm..............
Growing organic rubber chickens is a booming business nowadays...
• Just suppose, one day someone wants to sell you an old gold bar. You don't know if it belongs to any treasure, and you can't find out if there is any reward for it, if it was a lost treasure. How would you go about melting it and selling it? The same would go for a gemstone about the size of a dinner plate. How would you go about selling it? If you're living in a country that is corrupt and you cannot trust the government, or anyone else, what can you do?
Gold bars can be used for more than just money, my friend. Have you ever considered throwing it through an untrustworthy government official's window? They'd probably thank you for it.
• Can you tell me how long it will take if you eat rat poison to see if it is going to affect you? Please e-mail me back. Because my niece ate some.
Oh don't worry. It takes a good 4 hours before the really serious symptoms even start to show up. So you have plenty of time to ask us some more questions or play a few games of spider solitaire before calling your local poison control...
• Hi. I just wanted to know if our eyeballs roll back when we are sleeping (or closed) or do they shake? Or …
Hi. My eyeballs have a tendency to sneak into my ears while I'm sleeping. I don't know what yours do...
• PYGMIES: How/when/where/still in existence/do we mate with them?
o_0...We here at Give a Gripe suggest you seek professional help on this one.
• Do dolphins actually save people? If so, why do they do this?
No. Dolphins don't save people. Jesus saves people.
Actually, dolphins have a strange habit of pushing objects toward shore, including haphazard humans flailing about in deep ocean water. If you ever find yourself flailing haphazardly in the water, however, you want to make sure that the fin is indeed, Flipper, and not Jaws.
• I have a sister that stresses the heck out of me. For example this one sister out of three knows that I am recovering from a serious car accident. I thank God for saving my life, and healing me each and every day. My question is can a person who complains and talks about the same complaining every day stress you completely out? About four days ago I had to tell this one sister (Annie) basically to get a life and stop bugging me with her problems and everybody else's. I reminded her that I am still in a neck brace and healing … I really need to know if a person can really stress you out with the same old thing over and over and over again. PLEASE ANSWER BACK ASAP.
That's horrible! Using a silly neck brace as an excuse to detach yourself from your family! You ought to be ashamed! I suggest you sit down with your sister and give her a good 2 hours for her to spill all her problems out for you to listen to. She's certainly earned it!
Oh...and get well soon...
• Why do we make a "lip-smacking" sound when kissing closed-mouth? We do make the sound; it doesn't happen on its own ...
Personally, I think it's the little man in the back of your head going kablooie.
• What's likely to happen to people, or what might they feel, when they're killed instantly?
Uhm, well, the die... and they'd probably feel... Oh, I dunno, death?
• Can a state in the United States split into two or more states? If so, how? I think Texas has a special provision for being able to divide into up to five states. But I am wondering about the others.
Actually, it's completely possible. It just takes a lot of hired-hands with jackhammers 'tis all.
• Hi. How did the horse in the movie about dreams make it to not only survive but to win again? Was this movie true?
Hi. Well, what happened was the horse in the movie was actually a unicorn, so even though it seemed like it 'died', it didn't, because unicorns are magical like that. And it won because it drank a whole bunch of rocket fuel that it found on the race track, and flew past Sandpaper and his villainous jockey...
And yes, this movie was true.
• Working in my yard yesterday, I killed a gnat in my ear canal, where it had flown. I couldn't remove the body as my finger was too fat. What happens to it now?
First of all, the best way to get gnats and other small flying insects out of your face openings is with a rifle. The blast will prevent the body from getting stuck...or if it doesn't, it'll be the last thing you're worried about...
I suggest the Atkins diet and piano lessons. That should get your fingers slim enough to get that little buggy out.
• What is the richest religion? Scientology has a lot of Hollywood stars and I think they actually make their members give money, but Catholicism is a very old religion with its own country. Also, Islam has a lot of members but I don't know about their money situation.
• Is chicken considered meat?
Good heavens, no. Chickens come from eggs, therefore they are dairy.
• Hello ... Could you tell me if there's been any kind of medical discovery in the last 30 years besides DNA.
Yes. RNA. And.... Pasta.
• Are UFOs confirmed to be from other Alien Planets?
If UFOs were confirmed as anything they wouldn't be "unidentified" flying objects, now would they?
• How do you get to write articles for Slate. Do you have to go through a process?
Well, with Slate, you first have to order a specialized piece of paper and pen ($19.99 and $4.50 plus shipping and handling) and then you have to write them your question in wingdings. You have to put your social security number on the envelope, circle it and write "Steal my identity!" next to it.
For Give a Gripe, you just have to e-mail us with the e-mail button up yonder...
-Space Bean & Hol
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