Resolved: That something becomes significantly reformed or abolished (And lasts til at least February...)

Greetings Readers,
Today marks the beginning of a new year, and people all over the nation are looking forward to a fresh start and modified lifestyles that will probably last as long as one of those goldfish you win at the fair...

We here at Give a Gripe, however, intend to keep our resolutions, and would like to give you tips as to how to keep yours until '08.

1. Set Goals that Contradict Goals.
I think it's safe to say the most common resolution is to lose weight. If you resolve to do something like lose 10 pounds, you're already on the wrong track. First of all, once you lose those ten pounds your going to have to keep it off, or else it'll be worth nothing. You will most likely fail, get depressed that your weight isn't changing, and then eat a pound or 4 of chocolate to feel better. Then, after eating to feel better, you'll feel worse, because now you've gained ten pounds because you resolved to lose ten pounds!
It's better to resolve to gain weight in very very small increments so you can feel better about keeping your resolutions. This will decrease anxiety and depression, and prolong your life (As long as you don't gain too much)

2. Set Ridiculously Easy Goals.
I once got a fortune cookie that said "Keep your expectations reasonable". Though that cookie wasn't the most encouraging and optimistic fortune cookie ever, it at least had a point. (It should have been called a 'realistic cookie' or something.) Don't resolve to do something challenging or something you have to do on a consistent basis. Maybe make your resolution something you'll only do one time this year. Like "I resolve to go outside and smell one flower this year." That way you have a month to grow a flower, and 11 months to procrastinate about smelling it.

3. Resolve to do what you're already doing.
See, the problem with New Years resolutions is that people think that they need to change something, when indeed, they only need to resolve to do something. Why not resolve to stick with the Status Quo? If you make your New Years resolution something that your already doing, then you have absolutely no fear of flaking out! For instance, this year I'm resolving to always put milk on my cold cereal. No dry fruity O's for me, thank you very much.

4. Set ridiculous goals.
That way, if you forget or flake by '08, you won't be so disappointed, nor will your parents. I told my parents my wish to become ambidexterous by '08. My mom said it was a dumb goal. So she won't think less of me if I fail =).

5. Set Impossible Goals.
Resolve to do something you know you won't be able to achieve. Say you'll resolve to find a cure for Hippopotomonstrosesquepidaliophobia. (did I spell it right, Space?) Then pretend you're actually working on it. So instead of scolding you at the end of the year, your family and friends will look at you with sympathetic eyes and say "Well, at least you tried." Bam, you become a hero for doing nothing.

So there you have it. 5 golden keys to keeping your New Years resolutions. With these tips you should be able to achieve an endless horizon of great accomplishments...

As long as that horizon is really really small....

Unanswered Questions ANSWERED!

Over the past year, The Explainer has answered more than 200 questions, including why Satan smells like rotten eggs, and how many cell phones you can shove up your rear in one sitting (every pun intended) and has proved that our President is indeed, shrinking. But this is really only a small fraction of the emails received, so they've released a list of some of the still unanswered questions that've been sent to them over the year.

Now, while they still plan to answer some of these questions in the near future (be sure to watch for that) we here at Give a Gripe decided to try our hand at it ourselves. Do we seriously think we can do better than relatively trained professionals? Not really. It just looked like fun.

GO!

• What comes after 999 trillion?

7 Wajillion. A number so big that scientists had to make up a name and multiply it by seven just to calculate it.

• Why do train whistles at night always sound lonely and mournful? Not so in the daytime.

I believe this question can be better answered by the excellent novel "A Whistle for the Night" by Bartholomew J. Greg, an expert on the subject, but I'll try and explain it for you.

According to Mr. Greg, in all actuality what you are hearing isn't the same whistle at all, but a different one they use for night-time. You see, many train engineers are -as a night job- novelists of some sort, usually romantic or suspense. That is actually how Mr. Greg came upon the story. Apparently, so many romance and suspense novelists of the time had mentioned low, lonely, mournful-sounding train whistles at night, that the more ingenious train engineer/writers of the bunch (Including Mr. Greg, or so he tells at least) had invented for them, lower, lonelier-sounding whistles for which to blow at night, giving the whole effect of a lonely sounding whistle to inspire even more romance/suspense writers who may be listening. It's really quite a lovely tale, written in a sort of satirical history of the whistle itself. If you plan on picking it up, I would be GREATLY surprised if you could find it in mainstream stores these days. Your best bet would be to find it the only place I did (the story of how I'll leave out due to length), Artimus' Book Shop on 42nd street, New York. (291) 555-2634, ask for Arty, and ask him to check the back and see if he has any more of the "whistle book." It'll cost you around $15 plus S&H.

• Given the exchange and dispersion of matter, how likely is it/how often do we inhale/consume and/or incorporate into our own protein structure molecules that were once in some historical figure, say Abraham Lincoln?

After some brief calculator work, I would say that your odds are about 2 to the power of Five million, Five hundred and fifty-two thousand, three hundred and twenty-four. Which, oddly enough, is the phone number of an expert who may be able to help you more on the matter.

• Lasers are now powerful and small (at least I think they are), so why don't our troops carry laser guns?

This is actually an issue to again bring up with many a novelist. You see, if all of a sudden our troops starting actually using all the equipment they have now, all science-fiction books would suddenly, simultaneously, have to be changed to "non-fiction." Therefore screwing with a lot of libraries and book shops' sorting systems and making quite a lot of librarians/independent book store owners very unhappy, and thusly sending the United States government lots of angry -albeit well-written- letters.

• Why is smooth peanut butter cheaper than nutty?

Actual peanuts cost more.

• If we taught animals to talk, how would that affect the world?

Well, firstly, animals would be able to talk. That in and of itself is rather big, don't you?

• What would happen to the stock market if a meteor impacted the earth? What would happen to the global markets and the U.S. market? Say a meteor hits inside U.S. borders and takes out two states.

Well, that really all depends on which two states it hits. If it were to hit, say, California and Nevada, really not a lot would change for the worse. Meteorite replicas may go up in cost, however.

• Is it possible to collect all the cookie dough in Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough ice cream and actually bake cookies from it?

Having actually tried this, I can tell you from experience: NO. Just eat it and be satisfied.

• How clean is bar soap in a public bathroom? Is it "self-cleaning," since it's soap? It seems like a health hazard to me.

Firstly, tell me where the heck you found bar soap in a public restroom. Secondly, no, actually, it's not self-cleaning, so you're right. The best advice I can actually give to you is to remember to sneeze on it next time you're in there, and pray the management will get the hint eventually.

• Why did Zidane head-butt his opponent in the World Cup final? Do the French not fight with their fists?

Ummm... No.

• When we are approaching another person, like in a hallway, why do we step to our left? That is, try and pass right-shoulder-to-right-shoulder.

This (I kid you not) actually spawns from early first century. The people being mostly right-handed would pass each other, so that if one of the two was an enemy, they would each have their swords out on the right side in case of a duel, which, most likely, happened often. I believe that this is also how the street-sweeper/mortician got its start, but that's another story.

• I have been pondering this situation for as long as I can remember (maybe age 7-8) and it drives me nuts. It makes me feel like my head will implode if I think any harder. Is the universe infinite? It must end somewhere. But when it ends … there must be something on the other side … right?

Yes. We here at GAG believe bleu cheese and the Rolling Stones come from that region..p>

• If a group of passengers on a hijacked plane wanted to, could they bring a plane down by all of them using their cell phones at the same time?

Possibly. But it'd only 2 cell phones would be necessary. One for the pilot and one for the co- pilot. If you have two chatty teenage blondes driving your plane, that'd probably do the job just as well, hijacked or not.

• Why do humans die so young? In biblical times, people lived for several hundred years; now living to 100 is considered a long life. What happened?

God just can't wait that long to meet you.

• How can I tell if I was the first person to use the term "K-fed-up" in relation to Britney's divorce?

Just sue everybody else who uses it. Nobody will believe you, but it'll feel good.

• Why is the No. 8 always the same combination (tamale, enchilada, rice, beans) in any Mexican restaurant I visit? This includes primarily the southeast United States but not obvious franchises.

Good heavens, how many Mexican restaurants have you visited??

• Hi, how does nature make water? How does nature combine one oxygen atom and two hydrogen atoms to make water? If we knew how nature makes water, then perhaps we can then find an efficient way of separating hydrogen from oxygen, thus creating the ultimate source for energy.

I actually know the real answer to this. Prepare for your mind to be blown.
Oxygen has a valence of 6 electrons. The valence is the outer most and highest energy level orbit of electrons around the nucleus. The ideal valence for non-metals is 8 electrons, so how does Oxygen reach "Nirvana"? It bonds to two hydrogen atoms. Now Hydrogen has a valence of one electron. So when oxygen comes in contact with hydrogen, the atoms bond covalently with two in order to get it's 8 valence electrons. 6 + 1 + 1 = 8. And voila! The reaction yields water.

I love chemistry =D

• Why is grilled chicken tasting increasingly rubbery and odd?

Rubber chickens are organically grown and much less fatty. Don't have to do much to maintain 'em either....except keep them away from your dog....

• i need more money.....what business can i start that will not take a lot of time...i have internet access daily...........and i have saturday morning free before 12 noon to run around. i work from 7am to 9:30 pm..............

Growing organic rubber chickens is a booming business nowadays...

• Just suppose, one day someone wants to sell you an old gold bar. You don't know if it belongs to any treasure, and you can't find out if there is any reward for it, if it was a lost treasure. How would you go about melting it and selling it? The same would go for a gemstone about the size of a dinner plate. How would you go about selling it? If you're living in a country that is corrupt and you cannot trust the government, or anyone else, what can you do?

Gold bars can be used for more than just money, my friend. Have you ever considered throwing it through an untrustworthy government official's window? They'd probably thank you for it.

• Can you tell me how long it will take if you eat rat poison to see if it is going to affect you? Please e-mail me back. Because my niece ate some.

Oh don't worry. It takes a good 4 hours before the really serious symptoms even start to show up. So you have plenty of time to ask us some more questions or play a few games of spider solitaire before calling your local poison control...

• Hi. I just wanted to know if our eyeballs roll back when we are sleeping (or closed) or do they shake? Or …

Hi. My eyeballs have a tendency to sneak into my ears while I'm sleeping. I don't know what yours do...

• PYGMIES: How/when/where/still in existence/do we mate with them?

o_0...We here at Give a Gripe suggest you seek professional help on this one.

• Do dolphins actually save people? If so, why do they do this?

No. Dolphins don't save people. Jesus saves people.

Actually, dolphins have a strange habit of pushing objects toward shore, including haphazard humans flailing about in deep ocean water. If you ever find yourself flailing haphazardly in the water, however, you want to make sure that the fin is indeed, Flipper, and not Jaws.

• I have a sister that stresses the heck out of me. For example this one sister out of three knows that I am recovering from a serious car accident. I thank God for saving my life, and healing me each and every day. My question is can a person who complains and talks about the same complaining every day stress you completely out? About four days ago I had to tell this one sister (Annie) basically to get a life and stop bugging me with her problems and everybody else's. I reminded her that I am still in a neck brace and healing … I really need to know if a person can really stress you out with the same old thing over and over and over again. PLEASE ANSWER BACK ASAP.

That's horrible! Using a silly neck brace as an excuse to detach yourself from your family! You ought to be ashamed! I suggest you sit down with your sister and give her a good 2 hours for her to spill all her problems out for you to listen to. She's certainly earned it!

Oh...and get well soon...

• Why do we make a "lip-smacking" sound when kissing closed-mouth? We do make the sound; it doesn't happen on its own ...

Personally, I think it's the little man in the back of your head going kablooie.

• What's likely to happen to people, or what might they feel, when they're killed instantly?

Uhm, well, the die... and they'd probably feel... Oh, I dunno, death?

• Can a state in the United States split into two or more states? If so, how? I think Texas has a special provision for being able to divide into up to five states. But I am wondering about the others.

Actually, it's completely possible. It just takes a lot of hired-hands with jackhammers 'tis all.

• Hi. How did the horse in the movie about dreams make it to not only survive but to win again? Was this movie true?

Hi. Well, what happened was the horse in the movie was actually a unicorn, so even though it seemed like it 'died', it didn't, because unicorns are magical like that. And it won because it drank a whole bunch of rocket fuel that it found on the race track, and flew past Sandpaper and his villainous jockey...

And yes, this movie was true.

• Working in my yard yesterday, I killed a gnat in my ear canal, where it had flown. I couldn't remove the body as my finger was too fat. What happens to it now?

First of all, the best way to get gnats and other small flying insects out of your face openings is with a rifle. The blast will prevent the body from getting stuck...or if it doesn't, it'll be the last thing you're worried about...
I suggest the Atkins diet and piano lessons. That should get your fingers slim enough to get that little buggy out.

• What is the richest religion? Scientology has a lot of Hollywood stars and I think they actually make their members give money, but Catholicism is a very old religion with its own country. Also, Islam has a lot of members but I don't know about their money situation.

Boy are you off. Actual, scientific study (from scientologists, go figure) shows that Pastafarianism is in fact the richest religion in the universe, with the giant spaghetti monster cranking out more chocolate coins and beer mugs a day than the pope can make sermons about in a month.

• Is chicken considered meat?

Good heavens, no. Chickens come from eggs, therefore they are dairy.

• Hello ... Could you tell me if there's been any kind of medical discovery in the last 30 years besides DNA.

Yes. RNA. And.... Pasta.

• Are UFOs confirmed to be from other Alien Planets?

If UFOs were confirmed as anything they wouldn't be "unidentified" flying objects, now would they?

• How do you get to write articles for Slate. Do you have to go through a process?

Well, with Slate, you first have to order a specialized piece of paper and pen ($19.99 and $4.50 plus shipping and handling) and then you have to write them your question in wingdings. You have to put your social security number on the envelope, circle it and write "Steal my identity!" next to it.

For Give a Gripe, you just have to e-mail us with the e-mail button up yonder...

-Space Bean & Hol

Have a....uuh....a good Christmas.

It's Christmas time again. I love Christmas time. It is a time to celebrate the birth of our saviour, despite the ACLU's attempts to nullify our salvation.

Some other things I love about Christmas is the music. Of all the genres of music, Christmas music is probably the most satisfying to me. My radio is currently turned to KZST, which during this season plays all Christmas music. Good stuff.

There is one song that is played rather frequently on KZST. It always starts rather suddenly with the enthusiastic voice of Alan Jackson yodeling through the boombox. The song I speak of is entitled "Holly Jolly Christmas"

The song itself makes absolutely no sense at all. Let's take a closer look...

Have a holly jolly Christmas

What exactly is a 'holly jolly' Christmas? Ok, well I'm inherently going to have a 'holly jolly' Christmas. I have one every year. Not only that, I have a Holly jolly Thanksgiving and a Holly jolly 4th of July and a Holly jolly Hannukah...but what of everyone else? Unfortunately, not everyone can be me for Christmas. They'll have to settle for just a plain ol' 'jolly' Christmas.

It's the best time of the year

Totally subjective. Jews, Jehovahs witnesses and the ACLU don't even celebrate Christmas, why should this time of the year be better than any other for them?

Well I don't know if there'll be snow

Welcome to my city. You, in fact, do know there will never be snow.

But have a cup of cheer

Cheer is abstract. It is not tangible. You can't put it in a cup any more than you can put love, dreams, remorse or music in a cup. You can't drink it either, cheer has most definitely not been approved by the FDA...

Have a holly jolly Christmas
And when you walk down the street

You should be inside on Christmas. Inside with your family. What are you doing on the street?

Say hello to friends you know

That's not fair. What about friends that I don't know? And what are my friends doing on the street?

And everyone you meet

Mommy said never talk to strangers...

Ho ho the mistletoe
Hung where you can see
Somebody waits for you
Kiss her once for me

Eeeh...First of all, I don't think anyone will wait for me under mistletoe. Those who know me well enough would know I would never comply to such behavior, and those who don't know me....well...would certainly not be waiting under mistletoe for me. Aside from that, I highly doubt someone waiting for me under mistletoe would be a her.
And who is 'you' anyway? Kiss your own, I'm not doing it for you.

Have a holly jolly Christmas
And in case you didn't hear

I heard. It's at the beginning of every verse. How could I not have heard?

Oh bygolly have a holly jolly Christmas This year

Well readers, you heard the guy. I hope you all have a holly jolly Christmas...

Or...whatever your name is.

-Hol

These people just keep rambling on, like there's some point to the conversation, and they never shut up! I keep telling them to but nooooo...

Dear Give a Gripe,

I have a problem, and I wanna know what you think. Course it doesn't really matter what you think because I'm really kinda slow and everything people say goes in one ear and out the other, y'know one time at school the teacher called me a numbskull, and I really have to argue that point cos the doctor says that there are many nerve endings in the brain and I know this because my momma dropped me on my head when this guy in a store smacked her, turns out he was my REAL father, cos she cheated on my fake dad and thats when I was born, I've been in therapy since I was 7 for the trauma of not having a real dad to play ball with, cos I once played ball with my fake dad and it turns out he's really clumsy and threw the ball right at my head, there was so much blood I had to get stitches, but I did get a lollipop from the doctor, and I ate it and ate it and cos I was in too much pain to get up I didn't get out of bed to brush my teeth and I got a cavity, and the dentist had to pull my teeth, but he pulled the wrong one and now I have two fake teeth, sorta like I also have six fingers on my left hand, cos of that I'm always afraid Inigo will hunt me down and kill me cos of my fingers, and I'm not prepared to die, I almost died once, I followed the shiny light, and I followed it and followed it, I thought it was the neon lights that they put on the golden arches of McDonalds, but it wasn't, it was heaven, and not nearly as good cos they didn't put pickles on their burgers, cos I really really really like pickles, Moo was right that zucchini sucks cos if you've ever heard of zucchini pickles they suck, not liked I sucked on the lollipop that the doctor gave me, although that really sucked cos the dentist had to pull my teeth, but he pulled the wrong one and now I have two fake teeth, sorta like I also have six fingers on my left hand, cos of that I'm always afraid Inigo will hunt me down and kill me cos of my fingers, and I'm not prepared to die, I almost died once, I followed the shiny light, and I followed it and followed it, I thought it was the neon lights that they put on the golden arches of McDonalds, but it wasn't, it was heaven, and not nearly as good cos they didn't put pickles on their burgers, cos I really really really like pickles, Moo was right that zucchini sucks cos if you've ever heard of zucchini pickles they suck, not liked I sucked on the lollipop that the doctor gave me, although that really sucked cos the dentist...wait, I said that already, sometimes I feel like my brain is on french toast, or a goat, or a nun, did you know that nuns never get any...nevermind, thats not an area I should go into cos I'm likely to say something stupid, I do that a lot, or so people tell me, I try to make jokes but they end up like John Kerry's jokes, y'know he insults people and then rambles on and on, gosh, I DESPISE people who ranble on and on, especially politicians, like that Bob Dole, y'know Bob Dole says that he never had relations with that woman...no wait, that was Jesse Jackson, sorry, off topic, anyway where was I, oh yeah, Dole, so when I was a baby my momma never gave me fresh fruit, she always made me eat canned fruit, so the Bible says "U r wat U eat" and so my brain became canned fruit, and I moved to San Francisco to find a community of my peers, but I despise Rice-a-Roni so they kicked me out of there and I had to go to the Himalayas and I got married to a Yeti named Martha, we had a couple babies and I raised them till they were two, and then Martha told me that they weren't actually Yeti babies, but broken down old lawnmowers that she covered in polarbear fur, but she wanted to sell the furs to PETA [People for the Eating of Tasty Animals] and I called her stupid and she called me a poophead and I called her mean and she called me a big olf stainless steel butter knife, I actually used one of those once but it wouldn't cut my steak so I had to go back to the chainsaw to cut my food, which is wrong cos chainsaws are supposed to be used to cut up your ex-wife like OJ did, or at least he said he did but can you really believe him cos he wasnt even looking for her, except on the golf course, I went to a golf course once and my good buddy Hugh yelled FORE and I yelled FIVE and I didn't see his golf ball coming straight at me, he should have at least warned me it was coming, so I went home and put ice on it but when I put my tongue on the icepack it froze tight and I had to call an ambulance but I couldn't cos my mouth was stuck to the ice and it really hurt, so I ran outside and thats when I discovered I had no clothes on so the cops beat me down and put me in prison, they were nice enough to give me a meal though, but it was impossible to use that dinky plastic fork they gave me to cut through my mashed potatoes, so I threw it on the floor and they beat me up and I got in a coma so I had to go to the hospital and when the guard wasn't looking I tried to escape out the window and the janitor caught me when I fell on him but the thought I was suicidal so they took me to a shrink and the shrink wrapped my head in banana peels and string cheese...no wait, that was my psychic advisor, the shrink actually told me I ramble, WHAT, SAY IT AINT SO, WHY DOES HE THINK I RAMBLE, please please please I really need your help, why do they pick on people like me, HELPPPPPPPPP MEEEEEEEE!!!!!11one11oneelevent

yone1

Yours Affectionately,
Splunge Wizzlepants




Dear Mr. Wizzlepants,

First off, let me tell you that rambling is not, in any way, shape or form, a problem. Nor is it uncommon. I know plenty of people who ramble! Some, you give them even the slightest inkling you want to hear a story and they just ramble off the handle like nobody's business, it's almost as if they're not even listening to you, but they are, so you really have to be careful what you say around people like that because all of a sudden they'll be like, "What?" and then there's that big awkward silence until someone else starts rambling again. It's like they really don't even know how to shut up! It's incredible! I mean, I know plenty of people, who, no matter how many times you tell them to, never shut up. They just keep talking talking talking talk talk talk talk talk.... But not me, no, I know when to shut up. There was this one time, I was making waffles in my kitchen and I was talking about the weather to my Great-Aunt Susan, who really isn't all that great I guess but somehow she got the title and anyway I was talking to her about the weather and how the weather was really boring and I couldn't believe how some people got paid, to stand up, on Television, Channel 3 or something, and talk about how boring the weather is going to be that week. It's wasn't like they were ever right or anything, that's just how they were, and it was almost as if they wouldn't shut up! I wish I could get paid for that. Right now I'm working as a duck farmer in lower Michigan, which really, you know, isn't all that bad of a job. Free ducks for Christmas and everything. Anyway, where was I. Oh yeah, I was having this conversation and my Great-Aunt (who really wasn't soooooo great, but I'll get to that later) tells me that I ramble. I had no idea where it came from! Genetic, maybe? Must be. Great-Aunt Susan would always tell it like it is, that's how she got the title. You see, back in the olden days, right around the time the dinosaurs got out, my family had their annual barbecue, and they gave out awards, you know, things like "Most likely to drop out of college" and so and so. My Great-Aunt Susan got the award for the pig-wrasslin' competition, the prize of which, was the title "Great-Aunt." "But who'd want to wrassle (whatever that is) a pig?" I'd say, "That really doesn't sound all that great to me." And she'd box my ears and tell me to get back to my shrubbery studies. That really wasn't all that great, either, but shrubbers made a great living back then and I thought it was worth it. It wasn't, go figure, but least now I can tell you with great pride that I can make a topiary penguin in my sleep, and a leprechaun made out of dandelions with one eye open. I can't really remember why that's all great, either, come to think of it, but maybe I'll get around to it later. I was eating some horse radish earlier today, actually, and I was wondering why on earth they named it horse radish, does it contain horses? So much for being a vegetarian. Anyway, Christmas is coming up and I was really worrying about what to get my family for presents then I realized that they wouldn't really care, so I made them something, which I ate, then I told them about it and they just told me I rambled and that it wasn't genetic and I was just stupid so I can totally see where you're coming from with all this, but never despair because I found this really neat support group where they stuff cotton in their ears and just let you talk and talk and talk an talk and talk and talk all day without telling you to shut up or anything, well except maybe once or twice but that's only after their eyes turn red and they pull out their hair which might explain why so many psychologists are bald, but afterwards I was completely cured! Yup, one-hundred-percent totally, absolutely cured, completely. Yessirree, you won't see me rambling anymore, not a bit, you're lucky to have a conversation longer than a minute with me nowadays, I'm like Coolidge. He didn't ramble, did he? No, I doubt he did, Presidents really don't ramble except for that Dole guy, or Jay-Z, wasn't he President of something or other?

Anyway, in closing, rambling really isn't all that much of a problem. Next time you do it just talk into a rubber band or paper bag so you can listen to the echo of your own voice in case you have some good ideas tossed in there, eh? --Space Bean

Dear Splunge,

We at Give a Gripe are neither certified psychologists or life counselors. Therefore take our advice at your own risk. However, to tell you the truth you do ramble. A lot. Not that rambling is necessarily bad, but you don't seem to like it too much. So to help you with that, why don't you try counting to 10, or maybe 100 before you say something. It will help you think out what you are trying to say without having to ramble as much. And maybe you should visit a real counselor...instead of a shrink. And read the bible. And get some common sense. Other than that, I don't really know what other advice to give you. ~ Aranel

Tastes like Zucchini

(Continuation of "What's Up with Zucchini?")

Also, you could look at it like chicken. Have you ever noticed that next to every meat imaginable somehow, some way, tastes at least a little like chicken? The leading theory in explaining this is that God either A) Started out with chicken, then made everything else based off that, or B) Made everything else, then suddenly remembered he had to make chicken taste like something, couldn't come up with an idea, so he just said, "Ah, to heck with it. Let's put a little of everything in there."
The same can be said for zucchini in the vegetable realm. My personal pet theory in this case is that God had just gotten through creating carrots, peas, pickles, cucumbers, squash - you know, the veggie bunch - then had this other... THING, leftover, looked like a pickle, wasn't a pickle, he didn't really know what to call it, mumbled a little, and pretty much tossed in everything else. THAT is why if you close your eyes while eating ANY vegetable, and WILL yourself to PRETEND you're eating zucchini, the vegetable does all the work for you, because, in fact, it helped create the overall taste of said zucchini. That's my theory anyway. --Space

What's Up with Zucchini?

Dear Give a Gripe,

What's up with the Zucchini? Why must it look so much like the Cucumber?

Sincerely, Moo

Dear Moo,

You can find the answer to your question by parallelling it to the animal kingdom. Why does a king snake look so much like a coral snake? Why do zebras look so much like tigers? Why does Michael Jackson look like a white guy?

Camoflauge. Just as animals use camoflauge to prevent becoming prey, so do vegetables to prevent becoming pureed. (Play on words fully intended)

Zucchini is considered the bane of the vegetable kingdom. It's squishy, slimy and has a bitter aftertaste. It is so bad in fact, that I used to cry when forced to eat it. Because it hasn't been working this last week, I've come up with a better tactic to rid myself of the evil squash. I point behind my parents head and exclaim, "Look! A 3 headed monkey!" and then promptly scrape my zucchini onto my brothers plate.

Cucumber, on the contrary, is much more refreshing and goes quite well on salads. However, kids still don't like cucumber. Why? Because it reminds them of zucchini. I hated cucumber before I even got the chance to try it, and stayed away from it until curiousity got the best of me.

So you see that the reason for the similarity between zucchini and cucumber is just another survival tactic. Cucumber disguises itself as a nasty vegetable to prevent being eaten. Though seeing that cucumbers end up on dinner salads daily, one could argue that their method doesn't work very well....

But they don't need to know that...

~Hol

What's wrong with the circus?

A Letter from "A Circus Dreamer":

Dear Give a Gripe,

Today someone asked if I was in a circus. I told them no. But what if I had been? What's so bad a about being in a circus? I mean, come on, you get to do all kinds of cool stuff. You can explore the world, act silly and crazy, and no one would know better.
Hanging from the roof, flipping and twirling through the air, riding elephants, making people laugh. After all laughter is the best medicine, isn't it?
At least that's what I know of circuses.
Since I have never personally been in one, been to one or seen one, who am I to know? But still, the idea of being a circus is intriguing. You can play gypsy and travel the world over. Meet new people every day. Walk the tightropes. Act totally crazy without getting strange looks. Play with all types of trained animals. You get to play dress up everyday. And when people ask you why you've been all over the country (or world), you just give a pleasant smile and say "Yes, I'm in the circus. I'm the clown I do tricks and play with the lions and elephants...Wouldn't you love to be in one too?" Give a honk to your red clown nose, do a flip and twirl as you catch a trapeze and dance away.

Signed,
~ A Circus Dreamer

(Answer moved to post =D) - Hol

Dear Dreamer,

I do believe you just answered your own gripe. Congratulations, that makes our job a heck of a lot easier. As you may have noticed, we're no "Dear Abby." And one of my personal childhood dreams was always to traipse up and down the shoddy ground of an over-sized tent while wearing enough make-up to make Gene Simmons look normal, juggling around five of the nearest spherical objects I could find. Flaming, preferably. There is ABSOLUTELY nothing wrong with the circus. They are simply talented individuals whom most people (*cough*High-schoolers*cough*) can't seem to grasp the logic of.
The logic is this:

"Yes, hello, how-do-you-do. I know I look silly, that's the point. But I'm having more fun than you. And I'll be having even more when you realize just how much you paid to get in here."

Well, err, that's it more or less, anyhow.

- Space


Yes, laughter is the best medicine, but zinc lozenges take a quick second place.

As a side note to what Space Bean said, if you don't want people to ask you if you're in the circus, consider not wearing the rainbow colored afro and big shoes ;). However, we highly encourage you to join the circus and show the world that it's still in need of some genuine weirdos....

Misquotation and You

"Any persons attempting to find a plot, theme, or moral in this narrative will be shot and hanged."
-Mark Twain.

Misquoting is a common problem in large crowds. People attempting to sound cool or knowledgeable, will often, out of the blue, grasp for the nearest piece of media-related intellectual stimuli that may be excepted in the current company, and quote it.

The problem with this is that it, while still sounding perfectly fine to the untrained ear, comes out wrong. For example, "All the rum's gone! WHY?" sounds fine, yet is still wrong. In the context it is, it retains a completely different thematic value, if you will, than the actual correct phrase.

Most people, however, really don't seem to mind this, and go on doing it themselves. Some even do it on purpose.
This, then, leads to a fantastically quaint little theory:

Misquotation is actually a sign of a larger intellect.

The pleasant mat of the factor is that some people are just so widely-read, brains constantly buzzing with interesting conversation, obviously mixing itself and becoming so confusing that they can't help but misquote someone! And company is simply forced to accept whatever they say, no matter how foolish, from a social disease commonly called "peer pressure," which is believed to be a symptom of "highschoolitis." Due to which, no one ever asks if the quote is right or wrong or not, or what movie it's from, for fear of not being as simply well-versed as the benefactor.

So there you have it.

"I am your humble servant and I refuse."

-Buttercup.

Better a bird in the hand than two that are stoned.

Cliches.

Trite, overused, in some cases cheesy, but have still successfully managed to permeate the English language like the Bubonic plague.

Most importantly, cliches are analogies that people can relate to or picture easily in order to address a given situation on a smaller scale. They make saying profound statements, encouragements, or words of wisdom as easy as pie.

Gah.

Now that I have set the precedent for cliches, I'd like to address one that comes to mind that violates the most important ethical standard of them.

"Kill two birds with one stone"

Definitely trite and overused. But relateable? I think not.

The accepted meaning of this cliche deals with economy and efficiency. If you can do one thing, and in that process accomplish two things, then the one thing was an efficient use of your time. The American way. The less you have to do to get the most out of it, the better. This sets the precedent of laziness and short-cutting through work. Doing as little as possible and gaining more than you earned. Fiendish! But actually, quite efficient. Especially when homework is concerned...
Let's move on to the context of the cliche, rather than the underlying meaning.
If you've ever tried killing one bird with one stone, you'd probably find it very hard, and a big time waster. Killing two one the same shot? Bah!
First of all, what would be the point? If you could find a type of bird small enough that you could actually kill two of them easily with one stone, they would have to be too small to eat or too cute to kill. God punishes those who kill cute animals that you can't eat. The only birds that are useful to kill are the larger, edible type. I can assure you that throwing rocks at large fowl is not how the pilgrims got their first Thanksgiving dinner. Everyone knows that the pilgrims used bazookas.
Second of all, even if there was a point to killing little birds with rocks, there is no way you could throw a rock in a straight line and expect that the strength of your throw would be powerful enough to kill two birds, even assuming you could actually hit them without them flying away first. If the rock was heavy enough to kill a bird, you probably couldn't throw it hard or fast enough. If it was light enough for a fast, good throw, it probably won't kill the bird ESPECIALLY not two of them. It's a lose/lose situation for you, and a win/win for the birds. Not very efficient to me.
A better phrasing might be "Nail all the birds with one missil" That'd definitely be a more efficient de-birdinator for the more animal and environment indifferent.

So if anyone tells you that if you do something for them, you'll 'kill two birds with one stone', remember what I have said, and run for your life.

Disclaimer: I do not necessarily condone shooting birds with missils. If anyone attempts this who perchance read this post, I am not responsible for the damages. Any lawsuits will be directed to the back, where they will promptly be shot. Thank you.

Phew.

I believe througout this ordeal, we have thus qualified ourselves to give you our advice. Yes, we have solved one of the most complicated types of problems there are..

Our own.

Namely:

Our own computer problems.

Computers add so much more strife when mixed with the word "problem." A problem is like the number "10", and different kinds of problems are exponents of that. Math problems are a lower exponent than marital problems, for example. Spaghetti sticking to the cieling and being found a week later would definitely be a six-digit figure. Computer problems would put an "err" on your calculator...before it burst into flames. Yes, the technology intended to make our lives easier and more organized have indeed made our lives more complex and driven the suicide rate up. Well? Ever hear of amish people jumping off of bridges?

But we got past some of the strifes blogger and our computers have caused for us, and are now free to post.

So why go through all the trouble in making this site? I'll tell you.
It started as I was doing a sudoku in a newspaper. No, I don't remember if it was simple, moderate or diabolical, but I don't think I ended up solving it anyway.

On the back page was the "Ask Abby" (who's, by the way, real name is "Jeanne Phillips") and other advice columns. I got into the habit of reading them to see if anyone else had problems of people creating sudoku puzzles that they know are impossible to solve (I'm on to you, Michael Mepham!)And while looking I discovered that some people's problems are pretty ridiculous (10 to the 1st power type problems...) and mostly deal with in-laws, pets, neighbors, and clowns. So that's why we're here. If you have ridiculous problems or questions, direct them to us so you'll get the ridiculous answer you deserve. If you have serious questions, you probably still deserve the ridiculous answer we'll give you.

As long as it makes you laugh.

So e-mail any one of us. We give advice, answer questions, and give our opinions on current events and daily frivolities.

And this is a net loss organization. We don't get any money. We give you a whole bunch of our $.02.

So we'll make sure our advice is worth as much. =D

Construction Problems

Well, this site is certainly having problems getting set up. We're still working on it though. =) We do welcome any gripes and complaints you might have. And while we're reading yours, we'll complain about ours.
"Blogger does not like to make new accounts and work together in harmony with the earth...or internet rather."
"Blogger has problems."
"Blogger is complicated. We give up."
No. Wait! We can't give up yet, we haven't even started yet!
Well, we'll now get back to solving the problem.
See ya later!