Resolved: That something becomes significantly reformed or abolished (And lasts til at least February...)

Greetings Readers,
Today marks the beginning of a new year, and people all over the nation are looking forward to a fresh start and modified lifestyles that will probably last as long as one of those goldfish you win at the fair...

We here at Give a Gripe, however, intend to keep our resolutions, and would like to give you tips as to how to keep yours until '08.

1. Set Goals that Contradict Goals.
I think it's safe to say the most common resolution is to lose weight. If you resolve to do something like lose 10 pounds, you're already on the wrong track. First of all, once you lose those ten pounds your going to have to keep it off, or else it'll be worth nothing. You will most likely fail, get depressed that your weight isn't changing, and then eat a pound or 4 of chocolate to feel better. Then, after eating to feel better, you'll feel worse, because now you've gained ten pounds because you resolved to lose ten pounds!
It's better to resolve to gain weight in very very small increments so you can feel better about keeping your resolutions. This will decrease anxiety and depression, and prolong your life (As long as you don't gain too much)

2. Set Ridiculously Easy Goals.
I once got a fortune cookie that said "Keep your expectations reasonable". Though that cookie wasn't the most encouraging and optimistic fortune cookie ever, it at least had a point. (It should have been called a 'realistic cookie' or something.) Don't resolve to do something challenging or something you have to do on a consistent basis. Maybe make your resolution something you'll only do one time this year. Like "I resolve to go outside and smell one flower this year." That way you have a month to grow a flower, and 11 months to procrastinate about smelling it.

3. Resolve to do what you're already doing.
See, the problem with New Years resolutions is that people think that they need to change something, when indeed, they only need to resolve to do something. Why not resolve to stick with the Status Quo? If you make your New Years resolution something that your already doing, then you have absolutely no fear of flaking out! For instance, this year I'm resolving to always put milk on my cold cereal. No dry fruity O's for me, thank you very much.

4. Set ridiculous goals.
That way, if you forget or flake by '08, you won't be so disappointed, nor will your parents. I told my parents my wish to become ambidexterous by '08. My mom said it was a dumb goal. So she won't think less of me if I fail =).

5. Set Impossible Goals.
Resolve to do something you know you won't be able to achieve. Say you'll resolve to find a cure for Hippopotomonstrosesquepidaliophobia. (did I spell it right, Space?) Then pretend you're actually working on it. So instead of scolding you at the end of the year, your family and friends will look at you with sympathetic eyes and say "Well, at least you tried." Bam, you become a hero for doing nothing.

So there you have it. 5 golden keys to keeping your New Years resolutions. With these tips you should be able to achieve an endless horizon of great accomplishments...

As long as that horizon is really really small....