Greetings Readers,
Some of you may have been aware that yesterday was Valentines Day. You probably either heard about it from your nagging girlfriend, the nasty-smelling boy who sits next to you in Geometry and told you in a little card he made out of kleenex and red crayon, or by joining the G-talk Anti-Valentines Day club, where G-talkers all over Jeana's buddy list changed their avatars to the fallen cupid with an arrow protruding from his back.
While some of you were out with your sweethearts, or little siblings, depending on your social status, I was at Touche speech class, discovering a horrible truth about one of the most popular icons of Valentines Day.
The NECCO company boasts "Fine Candy Since 1847" and is the manufacturer of the well known "Conversation hearts" frequently seen, read, eaten, and spit out on Valentines Day.
These were being served as part of snack at speech class. I was in the middle of telling a friend that they tasted like chalk when I picked one up, and looked at it to read the message.
"Sweet Talk"
My friend jokingly suggested that I find a chalkboard to see if my theory was true. Well, there was no chalkboard nearby, but there was a little bit of sidewalk in the courtyard, so I hopped over to it to test my hypothesis.
Alas! I was able to write my name in clear letters as if writing with a chalk stick! That's when it hit me.
Millions of children ever since 1849 have been taking one day a year and stuffing themselves full of calcium carbonate, and NECCO hasn't been held accountable for it. We might as well be feeding our children limestone, or marble. Heck! Why not start making conversation hearts out of coal? It's a lot cheaper and equally nutritious.
This second half of my gripe against NECCO is more political than medical. On their website, they advertise new conversation heart sayings for 2007.
They are:
They are:
"My pet"
"Bear hug"
"Go fish"
"Love Bird"
"Take a Walk"
"Purr Fect"
"Cool Cat"
"Top Dog"
"Puppy Love"
"Ura Tiger"
Is it just me or is there a pattern here? All of those sayings have something to do with animals. Clearly we can see that NECCO is anthropomorphizing animals and putting them at an equal value as humans. Since these are, in fact, "conversation hearts", the new sayings suggest that we should be having said conversations with our animals on Valentines Day. Not only that, but the conversation hearts are no more than pet food!
So this message is for you, NECCO. If you don't ban your products from the market, at least put warnings on the hearts themselves as to the risks your victims are in for. Feel free to use your little grammatically incorrect abbreviations
"C Doctor B4 Eating"
"Y Not Veggies?"
"I Am Chalk!"
"Dog Food"
"DONT EAT ME!"
You better watch your back, NECCO, we're on to you.
And as for saving the lives of Valentine-goers '08...You're welcome
~Hol
2 comments:
My problem with the conversation hearts is with the ones that say, "Be Mine."
I understand that "mine" is supposed to be referring to the person who gave it to you, but what if you bought them in the box? Is the candy itself telling it to be yours? I mean, it's sweet and all, but I just don't think the relationship'll work out. I mean, I'm white, you're... strawberry? Sorry, we just don't have anything in common. I don't even taste like a fruit!
LOL! ...how 'bout "Go AWAY!"? =P
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