Britney Spears - Oops, She Did It Again.

We here at GAG believe that rather than dwelling on the past, we should look to the future. We cannot forget, however, that as we look, most likely we will see people of the present dying in the future. As is said, "9 out of every 10 people who live, die, and the tenth person's odds aren't so hot either." Therefore everyone, from the lowliest poopsmith to the highest-ranking celebrities in daytime soap operas must, yes, eventually die. But the question is, "How?" Many people try to answer, but only one may be true. In our series of fake, future obituaries, we here at GAG will attempt to predict the inevitable, but will it be true? Only time may tell.


Britney Spears - Oops, She Did It Again.

After an unprecedented second death, Britney Spears puts herself back on the charts as the only celebrity to die twice in the same year.

Britney's first death occurred in a tragic accident in late 2007, while on the set of the attempted sequel to the Dukes of Hazzard film, "The Dukes of Hazzard: Less Duking, More Hazzard" in which Ms. Spears was brought in to replace Jessica Simpson after her equally tragic death due to a broadway accident earlier that year.

"I don't know what happened," said co-star Johnny Knoxville on Spears' death, "Those boots just weren't made for walking, I guess."

The film was never released.

After her first death, Spears was resurrected through a series of drawn-out, ritualistic, lengthy, hypnagogic and quite possibly satanic chants, performed by the infamously secretive Cult of the Lost Hollywood Actor, allegedly comprised of former child actors who never hit it big. The resurrection, had the reaction of reducing the overall size of Ms. Spears' brain, giving her, in effect, a permanent "blonde moment." Her agents, however, believed to also belong to the cult, were cunning. Cunning enough, in fact, to produce live, unscripted footage of Spears and her current boyfriend discussing provolone, creating a commercial rivaling in brilliance even Jessica Simpson's "Is it fish, or chicken?" commercials of 2006. The leader of the Cult of the Lost Hollywood Actor, Kurt Russell, who still wishes to remain anonymous, had this to say amidst the tears:

"She wasn't a girl, but wasn't yet a woman. She might have been the last to know, but someday, someday she will understand. It was her against the music, you know? She loved rock and roll. Every time she got out outrageous she drove me crazy, but it was like she was born to make us happy. We were lucky to have her, and we're stronger because of it. I think she saw it as her prerogative, you know?"

July 28th, 2016, Britney Spears passed away due to a fatal fall and injury to the brain.
Reports say that Spears was in her room fixing her hair, getting ready to go out partying, when the fumes from the hairspray became intoxicating due to a design flaw, causing a leak on the side of the can. Unfortunately, so much spray had already been used, that Spear's hair became solidified, and shatter upon impact with the floor. The reverberation of which caused half of her brain to simply slide out of her left nostril.

According to the autopsy of Ms. Spears, performed by intern medical examiner Eugene Gearson, the cause of death was excessive intake of pytocalcious, a common chemical in hair sprays, which caused several of the vital nerves in her medulla oblongata to become diffused and stiff, therefore snapping off on point of impact. After which, the rebound off the ground when Spears' hair hit the ground caused such an effect that the entirety of her frontal lobe and parts of her corpus collosum to slide out her incredibly well-kept nasal passages.
"Let's face it," Said Gearson, "She was just too toxic."

Gearson proceeded to laugh in a frat-boy-just-out-of-med-schoolish way. Pausing to take full note of the situation, examiner Gearson added hypothetically,
“Drugs may have had something to do with it, too. She wasn't exactly overprotected.”

No further questioning has taken place.


Although no one was able to "Do Somethin," Ms. Spears will be remembered for the rest of our lives, if not for the rest of time itself, and various remixes of "Oops, I did it again," "From the bottom of my Broken Heart," and "... Baby, One More Time."

A Valentines Day Crisis

Greetings Readers,

Some of you may have been aware that yesterday was Valentines Day. You probably either heard about it from your nagging girlfriend, the nasty-smelling boy who sits next to you in Geometry and told you in a little card he made out of kleenex and red crayon, or by joining the G-talk Anti-Valentines Day club, where G-talkers all over Jeana's buddy list changed their avatars to the fallen cupid with an arrow protruding from his back.

While some of you were out with your sweethearts, or little siblings, depending on your social status, I was at Touche speech class, discovering a horrible truth about one of the most popular icons of Valentines Day.

The NECCO company boasts "Fine Candy Since 1847" and is the manufacturer of the well known "Conversation hearts" frequently seen, read, eaten, and spit out on Valentines Day.

These were being served as part of snack at speech class. I was in the middle of telling a friend that they tasted like chalk when I picked one up, and looked at it to read the message.

"Sweet Talk"

My friend jokingly suggested that I find a chalkboard to see if my theory was true. Well, there was no chalkboard nearby, but there was a little bit of sidewalk in the courtyard, so I hopped over to it to test my hypothesis.

Alas! I was able to write my name in clear letters as if writing with a chalk stick! That's when it hit me.

Millions of children ever since 1849 have been taking one day a year and stuffing themselves full of calcium carbonate, and NECCO hasn't been held accountable for it. We might as well be feeding our children limestone, or marble. Heck! Why not start making conversation hearts out of coal? It's a lot cheaper and equally nutritious.

This second half of my gripe against NECCO is more political than medical. On their website, they advertise new conversation heart sayings for 2007.

They are:

"My pet"

"Bear hug"

"Go fish"

"Love Bird"

"Take a Walk"

"Purr Fect"

"Cool Cat"

"Top Dog"

"Puppy Love"

"Ura Tiger"

Is it just me or is there a pattern here? All of those sayings have something to do with animals. Clearly we can see that NECCO is anthropomorphizing animals and putting them at an equal value as humans. Since these are, in fact, "conversation hearts", the new sayings suggest that we should be having said conversations with our animals on Valentines Day. Not only that, but the conversation hearts are no more than pet food!

So this message is for you, NECCO. If you don't ban your products from the market, at least put warnings on the hearts themselves as to the risks your victims are in for. Feel free to use your little grammatically incorrect abbreviations

"C Doctor B4 Eating"

"Y Not Veggies?"

"I Am Chalk!"

"Dog Food"

"DONT EAT ME!"

You better watch your back, NECCO, we're on to you.

And as for saving the lives of Valentine-goers '08...You're welcome

~Hol

'Tis the Season to have Nitrous Oxide Fa la la la la....

Hey everyone! Today is February 9th! So we here at GAG would like to wish all of our readers and fans a very Happy Toothache day!


What do you mean you've never heard of Toothache day?

No seriously, we didn't make it up...

In preparation for this momentous occasion, I have been eating sugary candies and not brushing my teeth since Christmas! (And of course I expect my two colleagues have done that to an extent as well since they know how much this holiday means to us all)

Some of you may be wondering why this holiday is so important to recognize. It's more symbolic really. It symbolizes the fact that we as Americans can eat sugary candies to a sickening point and still be proud of who we are, not ashamed of what we eat or how many teeth we have left when the year is done. It symbolizes that our teeth have the same right to rot as we humans have the right to free speech, free press, and openly griping about Nancy Pelosi. It symbolizes a bond we share with our mother-country, England (who apparently celebrates this holiday year-round). Additionally, if you happen to be Buddhist, then you already believe that pain is the road to life, so it's a double-whammy celebration for you!

In a practical sense, we are putting bread on the tables of dentists and their families, and if we're so blessed as to have one of our rotted teeth fall out, we'll make some extra moulah off of the tooth fairy.
So we hope you have a great holiday, and be of good cheer.

Now if you'll excuse me, I urgently need to go put bread on my dentist's table...

~Hol