Nail Cement

Dear Give a Gripe,

What is the best way to get nail polish to stay on your fingers without peeling off for a semi-long length of time?

~The painter

Dear Painter,
I would have to say the most effective method is to apply wet cement on top of your polish. You'll never 'deal with peel' again (though if you accidentally get the seed of a large tree in there you may run into some other problems...) You'll probably need to apply it with a shovel as opposed to a little brush, but it'll definitely get the results you seek.

Though it's hard to find wet cement in a variety of colors, you can buy a can of spray paint for about $8 more, ranging in colors from pastels to glow-in-the-dark to apply over the cement block (which is over the original polish which is over your nail.)

Though you won't be able to find buckets of wet cement in the makeup department of any store, you can always check the back of the store where it smells like playdough and you can tell that the store workers haven't shaved for a while...

So now you can have lovely colorful nails that will never peel....In fact, they won't ever come off unless you purchase a handy dandy jackhammer and chisel set for $330 more.

There you have it. For about $346, you can get colorful cement nails (and remover) and never worry about polish peeling again....

Or you could just reapply your nail polish when it starts to peel...for about $1.50

-GAG

Questions

Dear Give a Gripe,

WHY ARE PEOPLE ALWAYS SO RELUCTANT TO ANSWERE VERY SIMPLE QUESTIONS!?!?!?

~The Questioner

(Space bean and Hol were reluctant to answer this question, so Aranel did. We think she did a pretty good job too =) )

Dear Questioner,

We at Give a Gripe, after some thought and observation have come to the conclusion that the answer to your question, depends largely on who is asking the question (or the asker). For example if some big scary looking biker dude comes up to you and says, "Hey! What're you looking at?" or "What's your problem?" or some other such question, one would be reluctant to answer to save aforementioned one's neck. A person is likely to give them a weird look, look away, and other wise pretend not to have heard the question, for fear of answering the question in a anger provoking manner. That is of course unless you have suicidal tendencies, and also happen to like getting beat up.
However, if the asker is not such a fear provoking person, some reasons for not receiving an answer may be they think you're being sarcastic, think think you're joking, they think you know the answer already, or they very simply didn't hear you.

-G.A.G

Letter to Our Readers

Dear Readers,

We here at GAG would like to apologize for our inconsistency. You'll note that our last post was posted in March. It is now April. This is not acceptable. Now that we have people besides the three of us who are reading and even commenting our posts, we owe you our time and you are entitled to our opinionated opinions.

Now that we have you in the palm of our hand, we have to put some blame on you too. This site is called "Give a Gripe" (Also called by the totally unintentional but kind of ironic and humorous acronym, 'GAG') Meaning we created this blog so that you could give us your questions, ideas and gripes and we could base our posts on those. Yes, we do other things (anecdotes, schpiels) but we do not wish for the purpose of this blog to become obsolete. So write us. Please. We need material. Don't make us beg. Aw, shoot, we're begging. Look whatchya done!

We don't care how frivolous, embarrassing, personal or ridiculous your problems are. You can always use a pen name and no one will know who you are save for me, my two colleagues, my hair dresser, my parakeet, my parents, Uncle Mel...I'm being told I don't have time to finish this list and must move on...

So please, don't hesitate to click the "E-mail us" button in the top right corner. Wasting just a little time to save a website meant to make you laugh. And laughter is the best medicine right? You don't want to deprive the world of laughter. Not sending us an e-mail would be just like kicking a puppy. Feel the guilt.

With regards,

-GAG

The Car Ride

Franklin D. Roosevelt once stated; “The only thing to fear is fear itself.”

Clearly, FDR has never ridden in a car driven by my brother.

Yes, my brother has finally gotten his hands on a permit, allowing him behind the wheel of our family minivan…or as my mom and I call it now…Deathtrap on Wheels (with a 10 year warranty and 6-CD player.) I will never forget the first trip I took in Deathtrap. It was Valentines Day. I remember that, because the words “Valentine’s Day Massacre” kept running through my mind. We were going to visit my grandmother. Matt decided he wanted to drive. After filling out my will, and calling dear friends and family to tell them that I loved them, I boarded the car and buckled my seatbelt. We backed out of the driveway. Another car was coming. I closed my eyes. This is it…

I opened my eyes. We were a little further out of the driveway, and there was that car— apparently it had swerved just in time and was imbedded in a tree across the street. A split second later, it burst into flames.

Phew! That was close!

Our car backed out of the driveway and began its journey. Over the highway and through the road construction to grandmother’s house we went.

I’d have to say having the entire family in the car during the trip didn’t help much. Dad was in the front seat, guiding Matt through the driving process. Mom was being the backseat driver and backseat passenger (and also backseat backseater). I was praying I’d go quickly and painlessly.
“Turn left here”
Enter Mom:
“No! Slow down! You’re going too fast around these turns!”
Enter me:
“We’re all going to diiie!!!”

Matt does alright on straight passageways, but turns are still a doozy for him.
Dad: “Ok Matt, you’re doing good. Now turn on your blinker”
Mom: “Stop turning the wheel! You’re going too far into the curb!”
Me: “We’re all going to diiie!!!”

Then there were stoplights. Matt did pretty ok on these…
Dad: Ok, you can get a little closer to the car in front of us.
Mom: No! That’s too close! Don’t barrel down on people like that!”
Me: “We’re all going to diiie!!!”

After about 10 minutes, I stopped saying ‘We’re all going to diiie!’ especially since each time I said it I’d jump up and reach around the drivers seat to grab onto his face, and that seemed to irk him a bit. Instead I’d sit there and stare sadly at my youthful visage in the reflection of the window while recalling old memories, or quietly whimper for the life not yet lived. It honestly didn’t help that Matt would laugh maniacally whenever he hit the accelerator.

But what’s this? We’re pulling into Grandmothers driveway? We’re all alive! I leap out of the car and kiss the ground. Oh how sweet the asphalt tastes in my mouth! Actually, it tastes rather disgusting, but the good kind of disgusting.
Still shaking, we knock on Grandmother’s door. She opens it. She gives us all a welcome smile, and hugs and kisses. She then says:
“Ah! Just in time! I made my leftover loaf for dinner!”

“We’re all going to diiie!”

Because we're so special =)

Q) What's the difference between men and women?

A) Women get an international holiday! And men don't!!

Note: Any stereotypes are for humorous purposes. Aranel and Hol are not feminists, and do, indeed, love the dudes in their lives (In a very homeschooled type of way that is) If anything in the post insinuates that men are idiots, then we didn't mean to say that out loud...

Today so happens to be that international holiday, so we're going to do a special post on why the women in your lives should be celebrated.


Here's to Women because ...

• Your mom is a woman.
  
• Three words...P, M, and S.
  
• Without women, there would be a scarcity of flower shops and chocolate factories
  
• Without women, there would be a scarcity of other human beings
  
• Not celebrating women makes women mad
  
• Mad women are unsafe
  
• Men would not feel guilt without women.
  
• Without women, dinner would be lunchables and top ramen
  
• Without women, the color pink would serve no purpose
  
• Without women, things just wouldn't smell good.
  
• Without women, men would have no reason to slay dragons.
  
• Women are just plain nice.
  
• Women look better in dresses than men do.
  
• If not for women, the laser printer, the bullet-proof vest, the Red Cross and the pouty lip would not exist.
  
• Giggling would cease to exist without women.
  
• Ya just can't live without women
  

So there you have it, folks. you see a woman today, give her a flower and a hug.
She might sue you for harrasment (for hugging her) and vandalism (by picking a flower from someone else's property), and she'll probably win (because she's a woman)

But at least you showed you cared!

Happy Day to all women!

~*Hol & Aranel.