51 Ways NOT

Is it? Can it be? Why yes, it is! Yes, my friends, this is the start of yet another feature from yours truly. Yes, yes, I know. We haven't been posting a whole lot lately. But it was summer! We had a right to be lazy. And so did you! Go outside or something, ya bums. :P

You'll notice --unless you really haven't been paying attention, you'll notice-- that in life, there are many many ways to complete meaningless, useless and oftentimes utterly meaningless tasks. By the process of elimination, I have prepared a list (and will prepare a list, at least once a week) of how not to do these things. Hence the title.

Firstly, I'd like to look back at a rather disturbing experience with my little brother, which inspired me to give you all a list that is very important, and holds the warm, slightly dampened spot in my heart. All of these ways not to treat your computer stem directly, I kid you not, from actual conversations and/or events. Believe it.


51 Ways NOT to Treat Your Computer
1. Mindlessly pressing the power button.
2. Mindlessly kicking the power button.
3. Mindlessly disassembling the power button and converting it into a reagent for your own fiendish needs.
4. Mindlessly pressing the power button with tactical nuclear weapons.
5. Picking up and dropping your computer.
6. Unplugging your computer.
7. Picking up and dropping the computer off a very large cliff.
8. Filling your computer with very large cats.
9. Filling your computer with any kind of cat.
10. Inserting into your computer a very angry rabid animal.
11. Inserting into your computer any sort of rabid animal at all.
12. Inserting into your computer any sort of animal, period.
13. Placing your computer into a pressure chamber.
14. Placing your computer into the path of an oncoming automobile.
15. Washing it. (While it makes your PC cleaner, it pretty much screws up whatever previously worked. Odd, isn't it.)
16. "Feeding" it treats. (Despite what you may see on your browser, it doesn't like cookies.)
17. Giving it a boring name. (Holly's is Mel, for example. While mine is His Royal Penguin Overlord.)
18. Overheating it by playing hacked copies of Halo 2.
19. Using the heat to fry small amounts of food while waiting for your computer to reboot because you were playing a hacked copy of Halo 2.
20. Using it as a counter-balance for your homemade trebuchet.
21. Using it as a counter-balance for your little brother's trapeze act.
22. Using it to listen to and/or play bologna. (Bologna is NOT a DVD.)
23. Bologna is not a DVD.
24. Feeding it to large, ravenous beasts.
25. Feeding large, ravenous beasts to it.
26. Going through all the trouble of giving it a highly intelligent and flexible artificial intelligence, and giving it a stupid name like "HAL."
27. Giving it access to the lock mechanism on the pod bay doors.
28. Giving it eyes.
29. Giving it internet connection, and never using Google.
30. Giving it internet connection for the soul purpose of trading items in the latest expansion of "Dungeon Dork EX."
31. Using it solely to play Solitaire.
32. Storing a six-pack of beverages on top of its cooling fan.
33. Playing only CDs that title ends in "the 90's."
34. Playing any CD that ends in "the 90's"
35. Using the voice function to say "[insert your name here] is kewl." Repeatedly.
36. Using it to practice your hammer toss.
37. Using it to practice anything with the word "toss" in it.
38. Devoting an entire drive to Captain James T. Kirk.
39. Devoting an entire drive to Leonard Nemoy.
40. Using the phrase, "Take me to Warp 10!" whenever you log onto the internet.
41. Opening and closing windows in such a way that it composes a rendition of Bach's 5th in G minor.
42.
43. Asking about #42.
44. Frequenting Mac vs. PC forums, just so you can conveniently advertise your World of Warcraft trading account in the middle of intense debate.
45. Making comments about it hat reference to obscure pop culture icons.
46. Dropping it "like it's hot."
47. Creating a macro that generates ten MySpace accounts per minute, that all instantly add yours as a friend, just to make you look popular.
48. Putting in two CDs at once to "fool your friends."
49. Using your CD tray as a cup holder.
50. Using its hard drive magnets to hold pictures on your grandma's fridge.
51. Using your PC itself to your pictures to your grandma's fridge.

And ANOTHER Very Special Day

Happy birthday to you,
Happy birthday to you,
Happy birthday dear Google
Happy birthday to yooou

Happy 9th birthday, Google! For your birthday we put together a little Irish blessing for you.

"May your algorithms never be stolen by giant lobsters, and sold to the highest bidders in underground meat shacks."
"May your visitors be google in number but your bugs and viruses be zero"

"May you always find a cute little picture to put on one of the "O"s of google for special holidays and occasions."

"May your knowledge always take precedence over reading an informative book or looking for a dictionary."

"May you always provide a quick avenue for debaters to find credible evidence"

"May gmail be used more than AOL, and gTalk more than AIM"

"May your image search never become bloated, causing my searches for ducks in ponds to be demoted."

"May your news searchs always be up to the minute, so you can capture every time Jessica and Kyle break up."

"May your maps always lead you and your satellite always watch over you"

Amen

~GAG

P.S. Oh..happy belated 16th birthday, Hol.

Summer Dayz - Orders of Business 3-4

If you haven't read Orders of business 1-2 yet, you might wanna Catch Up

Order of business three: See Europe. No summer can go by without seeing Europe. Well, I guess 15 of my summers have gone by without even knowing where Kansas is, but before I became a junior I had to see Europe!

This would be difficult, since we had no plane reservations, and no plans to see Europe…so I came up with a brilliant idea. I have this neighbor who’s filthy rich and has this fancy schmancy telescope that he uses to stargaze. My neighbor’s garage just so happened to be open, so I walked over (or limped rather, after my skydiving incident) and pulled out their telescope. I peered through it, trying to angle it toward Europe. All I saw was the sky though, no matter which way I turned.

“What are you doing with our telescope?” a voice behind me asked.

My heart jumped. I had been caught using my neighbor’s telescope without their permission to see a foreign country. Not wanting to seem guilty of any sins, I casually responded

“Seeing Europe”
As if it were natural for someone with a dirty beach towel draped over their shoulders, dirt in their hair and bruises on their face to steal their neighbor’s telescope and try to see Europe through it.

“Uh…” My neighbor is speechless. He must see now that my intentions were fully justified. To remove any doubt from his mind, I added,
“If I focus it just right I can see Big Ben.”

I could tell he was glaring at me, even though I wasn’t looking at him, so at that point I took off as fast as I could and ran back into my house.

Order of business four: Surfing. I’d never gone surfing before. It seemed like the perfect summer thing to do before I officially became a junior. We live a half an hour away from the beach, however, and there wasn’t enough time in the day to plan a trip out.

I don’t have a surf board either…

Fortunately, there’s a river rather close to my house. Just a short bike ride away…

(Enter mom)

“Holly, where are you going with that furniture dolly strapped to your bike?”

So many questions.

“To the river.”

Geez. Where else would I be going with a furniture dolly?

I arrived at the river. It was moving very rapidly and there were lots of sharp rocks protruding from the surface. This meant only one thing…

“Surf’s up!”

I shoved the furniture dolly into the water and then climb on board. I tried to stand up, but the rapids were going so fast I fell onto my face. The dolly hit some rapids and went spinning down the river as I grabbed on for dear life. I passed a few Japanese tourists in kayaks as I floated downriver on top of the furniture dolly. This would be a good time to practice my foreign language.

“Bon jour!”

It’s really too bad my foreign language isn’t Japanese.

They looked at each other.

“Crazy Americans”

Survival in Starbucks Part 2: You've Got Decaf

"The whole purpose of places like Starbucks is for people with no decision-making ability whatsoever to make six decisions just to buy one cup of coffee. Short, tall, light, dark, caf, decaf, low-fat, non-fat, etc. So people who don't know what the hell they're doing or who on earth they are can, for only $2.95, get not just a cup of coffee but an absolutely defining sense of self: Tall. Decaf. Cappuccino."
- Joe Fox


So essentially, the problem is, what to get? What you buy at Starbucks defines not only what you drink in the morning, but who you are as a person! In absolute fact, your morning coffee goes one step further than that. What you drink in the morning, if you're not careful, defines your very soul.

Consider, for a very long time during my youth (read: four months ago), I was very unified in what I ordered. That meaning, I only ordered one thing; Grande Mocha Frappuchino. Just because I thought, "Heck, well, I'm too tired/lazy to think about what I really want, so I'll get that." And being a high school Sophomore, that was very much my view on life as a whole. Over the Summer, however, my tastes changed to other sorts of drinks. I started experimenting with other Frappuchino flavors, and even experimented with Chai and teas for a while. And at the time, that was exactly who I was, because I had no idea what to do with myself! It's rough, sure, but you can begin to learn a lot about a person by what they order. Such as how they think, how they behave, etc. Not to mention how they like their coffee.

The trick is, "How do I tell?" Well, to be honest, it's rough. Different drinks can mean a lot of different things, so in fact it becomes an acquired practice to learn about people through their coffee. For example, a Chai tea can mean at least two things about a person. Firstly, it could mean that they're one of those people who enjoy and savor their flavors. Second, it could be that they're a hippie and/or environmentalist. And the list continues.*

Of course, you must consider those people who, unlike some elite few, don't actually know what they want. You might be saying to yourself right now, "Who am I?! What sort of drink will I buy?! What does it say about me?!" Fear not, dear friends. This, too, is a step every Starbucks-goer goes through, and is nothing to be ashamed about. I've composed a small list to get you started:

1. Start small. If you don't know what you want, order simple. Just because the guy in front of you had an order longer than your latest parking ticket, doesn't mean you should feel intimidated.

2. Just because they put the word "Café" in front of a drink, doesn't change what it really is.

3. Never add a flavor if it's your first time trying a drink. Ever. Please, just try it before you ruin it. Then work from there.

4. Always have whipped cream whenever possible. Even if you don't like whipped cream, get it anyway. It's a wonderful way to make friends.

5. Chai is cinnamon. It doesn't mean it's soy, and it doesn't mean it's decaf. Only get it if you like cinnamon! Unfortunately, this is something I have to tell a lot of people. It's not for everyone, so use wisely.


After time passes, you will be able to recognize the aromas and flavors of certain drinks. You will be able to tell the Chai from the Macchiato, and Grande from Tall. Then, eventually, you'll do as I did and go back to that same drink over and over again 'till Summer comes 'round.




*Full Starbucks Personality Cheat-Sheet coming soon.