YouTube

Dear Give A Gripe,

Why is YouTube free? They could make a bunch of money off it.

Sincerely,
Tubeless in Chicago




Well Tuber (can I call you that?), aside from being really nice people, it actually has to do with some very serious inter-galactic law.

The planet of YouTubia, while still a relatively unheard-of planet, consists of a population roughly equivalent to that of Earth. Its system of government is a democratic republic, relying mostly on the vote of the people, filtered through "moderators" 'till it gets through to what's called an "admin." While this is not entirely dissimilar from what we have in America, the culture of Planet YouTubia relies solely on recording one's self, and loading that recording onto a floating hologram projector, which then travels out into one of the many "greeting places" center around the main cities of YouTubia, and attempt (note: attempt) at actual conversation via these videos. Each party then has their projector record other people's projections for later viewing, reviewing, and overall enjoyment.

When YouTube was created, completely without knowledge of YouTubia or its inhabitants, it was originally meant to be a pay-as-you-go website, but in the recent 1994 meteorite crash, containing the "YouTube Stone," revealing much about the planet and culture of YouTubia, YouTube was forced, via the government's will to live in peace with all alien life-forms (especially the ones with guns bigger than ours) to remain free.

Since then, the citizens of Earth and YouTubia have lived in blissful ignorance, and a general state of not blown up.

-Space

"Heart of Gold"

Dear Give a Gripe,

What's with the saying "heart of gold"?

~ Wondering

Dear Wondering,

You know, I don't know what's up with that. It doesn't really make much sense, does it? After all gold is very hard...and cold. And somewhat shiny. So really, why would anyone really want to have a "heart of gold"? You'd think most people would want to have soft, beating hearts, instead of cold gold, rock hard ones...but I guess that's their preference.

~ Aranel

Carmen Sandiego

Dear Give a Gripe,

Where in the world is Carmen Sandiego?

Sincerely,
Moo




Dear reader,

I turn to Google Maps for the answer.

- Space

Yellow-Tail Wine - Uncovered

Dear Give a Gripe,

My older brother keeps telling me about how Yellow-Tail Wine is the only wine that comes from kangaroos. Is he telling the truth, or is he just pulling my leg?

Thanks,
Wine-less in Australia.



Well, Wineless, I have no idea what pulling your leg has to do with it, but your brother is absolutely correct.

Yellow-Tail wine, found only in remote regions in Australia is a signature Italian-Australian blend. Started by a small organization of around seven Italian women, they would corral the kangaroos into a large basin. Once they were all inside, the women would stand on the rim of the basin, start one of their many wine-stomping chants, and jump on them, simultaneously. The reason kangaroos are used is still a complete mystery, however today's top viticulturists have found that kangaroo meat, when crushed, juiced and distilled, gives off almost the exact same flavor of whiskey and soda, with twice the mental and physical effects. When mixed with such concoctions as Aunt Jemima's Jemimaphobia (an ingenious alcoholic beverage, known for killing cows at five paces), it not only yields such extraordinary colors as purple, but has been known to remedy such diseases as a fever, chicken pox, and early forms of malaria. Besides, how else do you think you would get red wine? Grapes? Bah.

Ooo-la-la-doo-la-la-dee-la-la-dum,
We make not ale nor whiskey nor rum,
'Tis wine we crush beneath our feet,
And no ordinary wine,
But kangaroos!
How neat!
Ooo-la-la-doo-la-la-dee-la-la-dum...

- Old Italian Wine Song (Rough English Translation)

As you can probably guess, however, this form of enjoyment didn't go over well with a lot of the environmentalist groups, much less the kangaroos. Sooner or later a few protests broke out, demonstrations and stuff. One such incident happened back in August of '84. An Italian tourist, just back from her extraordinary diving lessons with "Fabio," fully clad in Hawaiian t-shirt, Bermuda shorts, and American-brand flip-flops (her relatives said later that she was always big on dressing up like she was somewhere else, Apparently she wore the exact same outfit on their trip to Anchorage, Alaska), when suddenly a kangaroo activist leaped from the second-story window of "Vinnie's Barber Shop" and landed on her. Crushing the neck first, then the liver. After the police arrived, the only vestige left from the horrible accident was a bloody note saying "Don't knock the Kangaroos" signed with a paw-print. After that incident, Yellow-Tail Wine, Inc., the number one exporter of said delicacy slowly declined into bankruptcy, only to go back into business again after the whole Jessica Simpson "Is it tuna, or chicken?" controversy, when people decided, "Screw the chicken, we want kangaroo." And are now flourishing in downtown Sidney.

- Space

Our New Year's Resolutions - 2007

Continuing in the spirit of New Years, we here at Give A Gripe would like to give you our New Years resolutions so that you may be inspired and gain new ideas of how you too can change your life for the better. Or at least change it for the different. Maybe even change it for the same...See? The possibilities are endless!!

"I resolve to become ambidextrous by '08."

"I resolve to eat a camera. They add ten pounds, you know."

"I resolve to never eat a duck before smelling it."

"I resolve to never walk on the ceiling."

"I resolve to not use lame comebacks in response to lame insults."

"I resolve to not store my ice cream cone in the glove compartment of dad's car."

"I resolve to never waste all my money at Starbucks... more than once a week."

"I resolve to never exaggerate the truth... unless it makes for a really good cover story."

"I resolve not to look a gift horse in the mouth."

"I resolve to figure out what a gift horse is."

"I resolve to make up more insidious names at Starbucks."

"I resolve to master the Light Side of The Force."

"I resolve to not hit my little brother with anything heavier than 3 lbs. any more than three times."

"I resolve to never use a sticky note as Kleenex... again."

"I resolve to eat an apple a day to try to keep the doctor away forever."

"I resolve to not look at the sun for more than 5 minutes, in an effort to not burn out my cornea, before I'm 30."

"I resolve to wear sunglasses when I stare at the sun."

"I resolve to wear a hat at least once a year."

"I resolve to not go outside in my pajamas...at least when people are around."